


for years

by mumblingmaria



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Acceptance, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Long Form, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), growing together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 19:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16311290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumblingmaria/pseuds/mumblingmaria
Summary: They had only been given four years together. But, without knowing it, they had filled those four years, only four, with lessons, memories, trials and errors, success and growth, and love that could last past a life time. And even when it ends, they find a way. It was only four years but it had made both their lives worth living.





	for years

**Author's Note:**

> “Make a connection, Kanan had told him. Ezra channeled himself outward, searching for a connection—the most powerful, personal connection he’d ever had with someone in his life.” 
> 
> — Michael Kogge, _Battle to the End_

Ezra stepped out of his new cabin, rolling his eyes as an outrageously loud snore left Zeb’s mouth, following him into the corridor. He had given up trying to sleep after two hours of Lasat snores filling the cabin and it was clear that Zeb wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. Looking up and down the corridor, he tried to decide where to go. Hera was probably asleep which meant the cockpit would be empty. He could try his luck in the common room, though since it was pretty late he didn’t actually expect anyone to be awake right now. Not that he wanted anyone to be awake necessarily, he was fine on his own. He was just curious if anyone was.

He ended up wandering over to the common room and peeked into the galley. Both were empty. Not even Chopper was rolling around. He stood in the galley’s hatchway and sighed. For a moment he considered getting a cup of water; why not? He was up and it was available to him (Hera had made sure he knew that he was welcome to anything in the galley), but he then realized he had no idea where the cups were. He didn’t want to start rummaging around this late at night and wake someone up. He had no idea how anyone of the ship would react to that. No reason to test those boundaries, yet. (And the last thing he wanted was to wake up Sabine and annoy her, which would be the worst outcome.)

He turned away and headed back to the main corridor of the _Ghost_. It was so quiet on the ship. Even with the occasional _clank_ or _clink_ from somewhere unseen, it was quiet. Ezra could almost pretend that he was the only one onboard the ship, getting ready to fly off into space. Like he was finally going on the adventures through the galaxy he had dreamed of. But only almost. He wandered towards the cockpit, moving as quietly as he could past all the crew quarters. 

The cockpit was empty; he had been right to assume that Hera would be asleep by now. Through the domed viewport he could see Lothal’s golden green fields, though in both of the moons’ light they appeared to be more silver than gold. Glancing down, Ezra spotted the nose turret. He grinned. He already knew it was the best seat in the house… well, ship. It was exactly what he needed right now.

Deciding against just climbing his way down from under the control panels, Ezra clambered down the ladder towards the cargo hold and rediscovered the proper entrance to the spot, no falling from the ceiling this time. 

A breeze passed over the fields stretching out from the _Ghost_. He wondered where they were now. Hera had moved the ship after he came back on board, leaving behind the communications tower and the place he had been calling home. Now all that surrounded them was grass, stone outcrops, and probably a good number of loth-cats that he couldn’t see. Maybe even a loth-bat was flying over, but that would depend on how close they were to the city. 

The breeze picked up, turning into a full gust of wind that Ezra could hear clearly through the ship’s hull. He shivered even though it wasn’t that cold in here; much warmer than his tower, that was for sure. 

“Is it too quiet or too loud?” 

Ezra jumped in his seat. Twisting around, and forgetting that the chair itself could do that, he found Kanan standing in the hatchway holding two cups. He was still completely dressed, armour and holster and everything, even though he had turned in well before Ezra had attempted to go to sleep. Had he been awake this whole time? What, was he worried that he was going to try and steal the lightsaber or the, what was it, holocron, again? 

Ezra frowned. 

“What?” he asked.

Kanan smiled and walked all the way into the nose turret. He handed one of the cups over; Ezra discovered it was filled with water. He took a sip and looked Kanan over.

With everything that had happened today, Ezra had no idea how to read this guy. At first he had thought thief, then it was rebel, and now Jedi. A total mystery. How could one person have so many sides? Everyone else on the crew was easy enough to understand. Zeb was the muscle and was too cranky for his own good. Hera was the team’s inspiration and one of the leaders. Sabine, though she tried to be mysterious, was a cool artist and capable fighter. Ezra had a read on all them pretty much immediately. He doubted they’d ever really surprise him.

But Kanan still made no sense to him. 

“I said, ‘is it too quiet or too loud’,” Kanan repeated himself. He sipped his own drink, Ezra was curious if he was drinking water too, and then looked down at the chair. 

Ezra frowned, trying to figure out what he meant. “Is what too quiet or too loud?”

The explanation didn’t come right away. Ezra watched Kanan’s eyebrows furrow as he turned to look out at Lothal’s landscape. He took another drink from his cup and sighed. “My first night on the _Ghost_ , I couldn’t sleep. Hera found me cleaning the galley way too early the next morning. The ship was too quiet, I wasn’t used to it,” he said. He glanced back over at Ezra before returning his gaze out the viewport.

Looking down at his cup, Ezra wondered if Kanan really had been awake this whole time. He must have heard him when he had gone to the galley and wandered his way here. Had Kanan stayed up to make sure he was okay? 

Ezra thought about how loud Zeb’s snores were but really it didn’t bother him that much, it was nice to know someone was there. Someone he could maybe trust, you know, if he didn’t get him captured by the Empire again. Zeb had tried to stay awake with Ezra, asking him mundane and meaningless questions almost as if he wanted to get to know him. And it was nice to have a comfortable silence around him; not once did he worry about what this silence was hiding from him or what was going to come and disturb that silence. It didn’t matter though, he still hadn’t fallen asleep.

“It’s both, I guess,” Ezra said, shrugging. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“It takes some time to adjust. You’ll get there,” Kanan said. He squeezed Ezra’s shoulder then stepped away from the chair. “Give yourself a couple days, I have I feeling it won’t take too long with you.” 

Without turning to watch him, Ezra listened to the sound of Kanan’s footsteps leave the small room. 

“Oh, and don’t leave your cup here, there’s a strict ‘bring all dishes back to the galley’ rule here on the ship.”

Ezra twisted around to say he understood but Kanan was already gone. With a sigh, he turned back and watched the grass shifting in the calm breeze. 

The next morning Hera got to showing Ezra where everything in the galley was the moment he stepped in. It was completely unprompted and she apologized for not having done all of this yesterday or getting someone else to do it. As she was explaining, Kanan came in briefly to drop off an empty cup.

Ezra was sure he saw the tall, mysterious, impossible to read man smile at the scene he walked into.

⬥⬥⬥

“This is a good spot,” Kanan said, finally stopping.

Ezra flopped to the ground with a groan. “The last ten minutes of walking all had good spots,” he complained. The half hour walk from the _Ghost_ in the middle of the day was not what he had thought lightsaber training would have had in store. He was already too hot and sweating more than he had ever sweat before, he was sure of that. He shrugged off his vest and unzipped the top of his coveralls, tying that securely around his waist. Shedding some layers helped, but he was still too hot and annoyed. Kanan hadn’t even put his saber together yet. Breathing in and out deeply, he added on, “I still don’t see why we had to leave the ship for this.”

“Because, if we stay on the ship, Sabine and Zeb will make fun of you when you inevitably mess up,” Kanan replied. He was looking out from the small clearing they had found, a wall of tall grass surrounding them. Glancing over his shoulder, he smirked. “Out here it’ll only be me pointing out all of your mistakes.”

“Great.”

“C’mon,” Kanan said. He turned around fully, his smirk now a genuine smile, and put a hand out. Ezra took it and let his still new teacher pull him to his feet. “You’ll forget you’re annoyed about this once we start.”

Trying to ignore the fact that Kanan was one hundred percent right, Ezra grabbed his lightsaber. He hadn’t gotten to use it since making it; they had been busy in the days immediately afterwards. But now—finally—he was going to be taught how to use it properly. Not just cutting empty garbage in half. 

He ignited the lightsaber, holding it out at arm’s length, and stared in awe as the blue blade shot up into the air. It was still a little weird to think this was his. That it was meant to be his and only his. Nothing had ever belonged to him in the way his lightsaber did. 

“Since we both have lightsabers now, it’s about time I taught you how to fight with it,” Kanan started. He grabbed the pieces of his weapon and twisted them together. Igniting the blade, he did a couple flourishes, flourishes he had yet to teach Ezra how to do despite the endless asking he got, and looked over at him. “I’ll show you the sword positions and then we’ll work through some series together combining all those position. That’ll be a good start for today.” 

“We’re going to fight each other?” Ezra asked excitedly. 

Kanan sighed and shook his head. “We’re going to work through a predetermined series. That I already came up with. No improvising, no… actual fighting.”

“Shouldn’t you be teaching me how to actually fight? What if the Inquisitor comes after me again,” Ezra said, swinging his blade in front of himself. It wasn’t a question, not really. He knew that the next time they came up against the Inquisitor things would go badly. 

“I won’t let that happen again.” Kanan looked him directly in the eye, as if these were the most important words he had ever said. He held Ezra’s gaze for a much longer time than normal before moving in closer. “And what I’m going to do is teach you how to fight. But that means starting with the basics. We have to be dis—” 

“Disciplined and focused.” Ezra finished the sentence. Kanan smiled again and pushed his shoulder gently. 

Moving next to him, Kanan placed his right foot out in front and his weight shifted onto his left leg, which was bent. He raised his blade and looked over. “Copy me.”

Ezra nodded and got into the same position. Kanan readjusted Ezra’s hold on his lightsaber and nudged his left foot before he then showed him the next position. Each time he got the position correct he was shown a new one. Kanan showed him eight in total, some more awkward to hold than others. After being shown them all, he was told to move through them a few times before Kanan started calling out which position to take at random. That proved harder, not only having to remember the position but figuring out how to move into it in a different way. It didn’t help that he kept having to readjust his grip on his weapon scared it would slip out of his hand. Plus, having Kanan circling him and telling him everything he did wrong each time he got into the new position wasn’t helping him focus.

But, he apparently was doing well. “Good, that’s really good, Ezra,” Kanan said after telling him to take a break. “We can try working through a series of strikes and parries once you’re ready.”

“I’m ready,” he answered immediately, reigniting his lightsaber.

Kanan chuckled and held out his hand. “Hand your lightsaber over for a second.” Ezra hesitated only briefly before handing it to him. Kanan fiddled with it for a moment and the blade dimmed. “There,” he said, handing it back.

“What did you do?” 

“I turned down the intensity of the blade. If we’re going to be sparring, I don’t want us losing any limbs. I have a feeling it wouldn’t go over too well if we went back to the _Ghost_ down an arm. It would make for a bad first day of sparring,” Kanan replied. He fiddled around with his own saber before igniting it. It had the same dim blue blade that he had in hand now. 

Before Ezra could argue, Kanan moved into the starting position. It didn’t seem right, training with lower settings on their lightsabers. How was he supposed to learn to fight in an actual lightsaber duel if he didn’t know what it was like to fight with them in training?

“I’ll tell you where to block or strike, don’t try to do anything different. It won’t hurt either of us if we get hit, but that doesn’t mean we want it to happen. We’ll go at half speed. Got it?” 

“Got it.”

Kanan looked him over and raised an eyebrow. A second later, Ezra muttered, “Oh,” and copied the position that Kanan was in. Immediately, he could feel the difference between using his lightsaber and when Kanan had let him use his. Everything from its size to just how the grip felt in his hand was off, weird. This was _his_ saber, so why did it feel weird?

“Block high!” Kanan called out and moved into his space, his lightsaber coming doing overhead. Ezra lifted his lightsaber up, his hands crossing in front of him before changing it to the other side. His blade caught Kanan’s just in time, a dulled hum passing through the air. There was a faint frown on his teacher’s face but Ezra was already thinking about where to put his bladed after being told to block low. 

Each movement was clunky, he didn’t know how to get from one position to the next anymore. His lightsaber felt like it was going to drop from his hand any moment, that if he held it the wrong way when he blocked or attacked it would just go soaring. 

“Kid, you okay?” Kanan asked instead of giving another direction. He lowered his blade. 

“Yeah, but I think there’s something wrong with my lightsaber,” Ezra replied. His frustration was building. He had never had trouble like this before. Maybe he had put something together in it wrong. But Kanan had approved the lightsaber, said he had done a good job with it. Maybe there was just something wrong with him.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, everything about it feels off, I guess. It feels like I’m going to drop it and I can’t seem to get it into the right spot in time. The weight feels funny in my hand,” Ezra said, trying to explain it. He sighed. “Yours was a lot easier to work with than this. I don’t know why it’s so much harder now.”

He held up his blade, offering it over again but Kanan just smiled and shook his head. “You’re fine, Ezra. You just have to get used to your lightsaber, connect with it. Both you and the lightsaber are new at this, it’s just going to take some time. You’re thinking about this as if it isn’t a part of you, but it is. Your connection to the Force will help you here; connect to the crystal inside.”

“You never told me to do that with your lightsaber,” he retorted. 

“Ezra.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll do it,” Ezra said, rolling his eyes. He was getting tired and the sun was starting to beat down on them and he was pretty sure they had been at all of this for hours now. It had to have been hours. He just wanted to go back to the _Ghost_. Instead of just giving into his wants and leaving, he got into the starting position again and closed his eyes, trying to feel a connection to his lightsaber and the kyber crystal inside. 

“Ready?” Kanan asked.

Ezra nodded and opened his eyes. He couldn’t really sense his crystal yet but he didn’t want to make them stand around for who knew how long that would take. Maybe he’d get lucky and it would just click while they went at it this time. He hoped it would, at least; if he did it right this time maybe Kanan would let them go back to the ship. 

Except it wasn’t getting easier. He tried to feel the crystal in his lightsaber but he was distracted every time Kanan called out where to block and he was distracted by how much his arms and legs were starting to _ache_. 

“Focus,” Kanan said, following with a: “Strike low.”

“I’m trying!” Ezra snapped, swinging his lightsaber to the left of Kanan. 

It took him a few seconds to realize that he had misread which side Kanan was going to block on. Just enough time to block Kanan’s blade but he had overcorrected when he tried to fix his mistake. His lightsaber came into contact with one of Kanan’s hands. With a quick yelp of pain, both lightsabers were turned off. Kanan inspected the back of his hand.

“Kanan! I’m sorry!” Ezra said, eyes wide with worry. He messed up and it could have been so much worse if…

“And this is why we have a training setting on the lightsabers,” Kanan said, shaking his hand out. He offered Ezra an easy smile which shifted into one that was much more sincere almost immediately. “Hey, I’m okay. It only stung a bit. It’s not even going to leave a mark, I promise.”

“But I still messed up, I wasn’t focused and I was frustrated and I wasn’t being careful.” The words spilled from his mouth. Catching his breath, then casting his eyes down, Ezra turned his lightsaber over in his hands. “I’m really sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for, okay? It was only a matter of time; it’s not real lightsaber training without a couple burns every now and then, trust me.” Kanan took a few steps forwards, reaching out to bump his fist against Ezra’s shoulder before rest his hand on it. “This is just a lesson on focusing.”

Nodding, Ezra looked up. Kanan was fine, he really was. And he knew that. He could admit to himself that he was still just a little jumpy from what happened on the asteroid, even if it was over a month ago now. Kanan was fine. He was fine. They were both fine. 

“You okay, kid?” 

“Yeah,” Ezra answered, and he meant it. “Can we try again?”

Kanan laughed and then ruffled Ezra’s hair (though he made a point to shove him away a bit, afterward). “Only if you promise not to hit me again. Deal?”

Ezra got into position, grinning up at his master. “Deal.”

Once they were both in position again, lightsabers ignited (and set on the training setting), Kanan called out, “Block low!” and moved in with a swing of his lightsaber. His smile intact, Ezra quickly got his lightsaber where in needed to be.

⬥⬥⬥

It was weird to be back on the _Ghost_ even though he had only spent maybe a day away from it. Definitely not more than two, it was closer to one day for sure. It felt like it had been ages, though. He felt like a completely different person, but what really had changed about him? It was only that the last time he had been here Kanan hadn’t and now Kanan was. (And sure, a long lost Jedi had popped up as well, so that was a thing. Oh, and it turned out they were a part of a wider and actually existent rebellion. It had been a long day.) It was weird, but it was definitely good to be back. Ezra stood in the main corridor of the ship, between all the separate crew quarters, and really let it sink in that this was his home now.

He took a step forwards but only one. 

After all the trials and revelations of the day, Kanan and he had been rushed off to a different ship’s medbay, better equipped than what the _Ghost_ had, to get checked out. He’d protested despite the fact he knew he’d have scars on his cheek for the rest of his life. He was glad they went though, mostly because it meant he got to know for sure that Kanan was okay. Also, he didn’t mind the cool bacta patch placed on his stinging face. They had both been deemed okay, though a few days of rest would be vital to ensure they stayed okay, and they got to go back to their ship. Home.

Now Ezra just wanted to talk to Kanan. But when they got back on the ship, Hera had gone with Kanan into his cabin, obviously wanting to check in with her long time friend. Ezra wasn’t the only person who almost lost him today, and she had every right to lay claim to Kanan’s attention; she had known him the longest. She was still in there. So, while he wanted to see Kanan, he didn’t want to interrupt. Hera had hid it well, even despite his own needling, but she had been losing hope of seeing her friend again. Ezra didn’t want to shorten the time they had right now.

“What are you doing there, kid?” a voice asked from behind. Zeb had stepped out of their shared cabin and was now fighting back a yawn. “You coming into the cabin or what?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will… I just…” Ezra answered. He looked back at Kanan’s door and swallowed roughly. He really should just leave them be. Kanan would still be there in the morning, would still be there all day tomorrow. They had all the time in the galaxy to talk now, he could wait another night. 

Snickering, Zeb walked past him and gave a playful shove (which sent him staggering slightly into the bulkhead). “He’s not going to know you’re out here if you don’t knock.”

“What?” Before he could really process what had been said, Zeb was knocking on the door. “Zeb! What are you doing?” Ezra asked running over to him and grabbing hold of his arm.

“Hey, guys,” Zeb called out, laughing as he tried to yank his arm out of Ezra’s hold, “the kid is out here hovering.”

“Zeb!” He almost yelled it this time, aiming what he hoped would be a sharp and very painful kick into Zeb’s leg. It did nothing at all, only making Zeb laugh even harder. “ _Why did you do—_ ”

“Ezra.” The two of them in the hall looked at the now open hatchway to see Hera standing there. She didn’t look ready to scold, which would normally be the case if she was coming to stop an argument between the two of them. She smiled at them before taking a step out of the cabin. Behind her they could see Kanan reaching down from where he was seated to place a cup on the floor. “Do you want to see Kanan?”

“Uh… Yeah. I mean, yes, I do,” he answered, stumbling over his words. He let go of Zeb’s arm, after punching it once for good measure, and offered a shy smile up at Hera. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, go on in,” she said. She placed a hand on his back and guided him into the cabin. Glancing over his shoulder, he watched Hera lead—or, actually, push—a still snickering Zeb away from the room. Then, the hatchway closed.

Turning to face the room, crossing his arms as he did so, Ezra suddenly found himself nervous. Kanan was sitting on the lower bunk, really more of a couch, one leg kicked out in front of him and the other resting on the cushions, bent at the knee with his foot tucked away under a thigh. He had stripped down to his black long sleeved shirt—his armour and green pullover had been dumped on the stool in the room. His boots were tucked neatly away to the side. Ezra couldn’t see where his lightsaber and blaster were, probably underneath the shirt and armour. And, unlike him, there were no obvious signs of the ordeal they had just gone through; Kanan hadn’t needed any bandaging or bacta patches. 

Except, Kanan looked… _tired_. While obviously he would be tired, it was still jarring to see. Ezra realized that he hadn’t ever really seen him like this. Kanan had always seemed so put together, even when he was admitting to mistakes he made. Even when he was past exhaustion on the Star Destroyer about to face down the Inquisitor. Kanan had never looked defeated before. Not that he was defeated now. But he just didn’t look like himself. 

Never again. Ezra looked his master over and promised himself never again. He wasn’t going to stand by and watch the Empire or anyone hurt his master. With whatever power he had he was going to protect Kanan. Kanan, who had given him so much already, who had given him the chance to actually live. He was never going to let any of this ever happen again.

“How are you doing?” Kanan asked, shifting on the bunk. He moved to sit more upright, which had to be a feat on its own even when he wasn’t exhausted—how did Kanan fit under there? The smile he offered was a tired one but it helped make him seem more like himself. 

Ezra walked towards the bunk and tapped his foot gently against the side, not wanting to open any of the drawers hidden along it. “I’m fine,” he answered, smiling at Kanan. “My face still stings a bit but the bacta patch is helping. I’m fine.”

“And the rest of your head? You had a pretty big fall.”

“My head is as good as ever, Kanan.”

Nodding gravely, Kanan said, “So it’s that bad, huh?”

“Hey!” Ezra laughed. He nudged his foot against Kanan’s leg that was hanging out of the bunk. They both were laughing soon, though Ezra’s laugh faded away first. 

He sat down slowly, on the very edge of the cushion, and looked away. There was a decent amount of space between him and Kanan, he didn’t want to crowd him. He brushed his feet against the floor, working up the courage to ask the same question back. He was scared but he needed to know for sure. “How are you feeling?”

With a sigh, Kanan shifted again, leaning forwards. “I’ve had way worse in my time, trust me,” he answered, though it wasn’t really an answer. And Ezra wasn’t sure he believed him. “Give me a day or two and we’ll both forget this happened.”

Ezra started to nod but found he couldn’t go through with even that simple of an action. Crossing his arm more tightly in front of him, he hunched over. Tears were starting to build up, threatening to expose everything he that was feeling. He turned to look at the wall, not wanting Kanan to see. It wouldn’t be fair to Kanan, who had gone through so much, to deal with this on top of everything.

They had almost lost him. The Empire had taken him away and had tortured him; he wasn’t supposed to have been listening in the medbay when the droid told Kanan and Hera how much damage had been done but he had been. While nothing was permanent, there was apparently some mild nerve damage from all the electrocution. That’s when he had stopped listening. 

They had almost lost him. Ezra shouldn’t have listened to him at the comms tower. They would have found another way to get out, all together. Why hadn’t he argued more? Why hadn’t he stayed at the bottom of the tower with him? They could have done something differently that night. He could have. He should have. 

He knew that they hadn’t lost Kanan, but they almost had. And what if next time they weren’t as lucky? What if they _did_ lose him in the future? He couldn’t lose him. He just couldn’t. Not after everything they had been through, with the promise of who they could be. With who they were. He couldn’t lose him.

“Hey, Ezra,” Kanan said softly, moving over on the bunk. Ezra must have made a noise while he tried to keep from crying, a sniffle or a hiccup or something. Kanan was leaning around him, a hand placed on his back, trying to look at his face. “Ezra, I’m okay. I promise you.”

“I know, I know that. I just—” Ezra said, trying to find the words to explain everything bubbling up inside him and threatening to spill over. It was all too much, too much had happened. He pressed the palm of his hand against one eye, trying to keep his tears from falling. The hand on his back pressed gently, a solid reminder that things were okay and that they were both really here, together.

“Ezra, look at me.” Turning slowly, but staying hunched over, Ezra listened to his master. Kanan’s face was creased with worry but there was a deep kindness underneath it all. It was as though Kanan fully and completely understood what was going through his head, clinging to his heart and refusing to loosen its grip on him. “I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I know this week was a lot; too much for anyone to have gone through. But we did, we made it through. And you were amazing. You’re going to be okay.”

Nodding, which might have caused a tear or two to finally escape and slide down his cheeks, Ezra quickly wrapped his arms around Kanan’s torso. He buried his face into Kanan’s shirt, his arms tightening as he held on. Kanan slowly moved into the hug, pulling Ezra in close. It didn’t last long, Ezra didn’t want to make anything weird, having never hugged his master before but he felt like he needed to, like it would be a moment lost if he had let it slip by. When he pulled away he was smiling. 

Kanan kept his hand on Ezra’s back but moved to sit more comfortably next to him. They sat together; Ezra rubbed his eyes across his sleeve to erase any lingering tears, neither of them saying anything more. It was easier to breathe now, no weight pressing in from all sides. They sat there in the knowledge that they had both survived this.

The galaxy could throw whatever it liked at them, they’d be able to handle it. Ezra knew that they would be able to take on anything. As long as they stayed together than nothing would stop them. He knew that they were always going to find each other, always bring each other back. They had gotten each other through this ordeal. They’d get each other through the next one.

Kanan had shown him that he could a be a Jedi and that the Jedi helped people, saved them. Ezra was going to make sure he would always be there to save Kanan. The galaxy was never going to tear them apart again, not if he could help it. He was sure that Kanan felt the same way.

They were going to make it through this fight, this rebellion, together. They were going to make it to the other side.

⬥⬥⬥

Ezra sat down in the large wooden chair in the common room and sighed. He was content. Eyes closed and leaning against the curves in the wood. This is exactly what he wanted. It had been a long morning of training with just about everyone who had a say in how his days went, which was pretty much everyone (except maybe Chopper and Zeb, they still couldn’t tell him what to do). Sure, he wasn’t going to run off… again. He definitely got that out of his system, but he was still tired. There were no plans for their team this afternoon so he was ready to take advantage of that. A quiet day for Phoenix Squad was a blessing. He wasn’t going to waste it.

“Hey, Ezra,” Kanan said, standing in the doorway. Ezra cracked an eye open before frowning. Kanan looked frustrated. Which was weird because he had been in a good mood this morning. A good mood when he went off to a meeting with Hera and Rex took over training. A good mood when Rex went to joined them on the _Ghost_ for whatever follow up meeting Hera needed. A good mood… Well, actually this was the first Ezra had seen Kanan since his brief second meeting. Which meant…

“Yeah?” Ezra answered, trying not to deflate as he responded. So, Kanan and Rex had gotten into _another_ argument. At least he hadn’t been there for it this time; those were the worst arguments, the ones about him. 

Kanan raised a brow at him but didn’t press at the lack of enthusiasm. “We’re doing a supply run, c’mon.”

“Seriously? But I just finished training!” Ezra said, though he was already standing up to follow. He was going to complain but when Kanan was in a mood like this it was best to complain while heading to do what he asked. 

“Yes, seriously. We need food, I need a break from the ship, and I can’t carry everything by myself.” 

“Well,” Ezra said, trying to keep up with Kanan’s quick pace through the _Ghost_ ’s corridors. They made their way through the cockpit, which was empty (Hera must be away keeping Rex off the ship), and down into the hold where Chopper seemed to be waiting. “Well, just take Chopper with you! Why do I have to go?”

Kanan smirked over at him but kept moving towards the ship’s exit. “Oh, he’s coming, too,” he said, giving the droid a nudge with his boot as he passed him. Chopper let out his usual displeased warble but followed after Kanan. They both knew they couldn’t actually say no—they both were going to keep complaining, though.

Ezra fell into step with the droid and quickly managed to jump out of the way when Chopper aimed a hit at his legs. “Watch it!” Ezra shouted as they made their way down the ramp. “Kanan, come on, this is going to suck!”

“We need to eat, kid, and neither of us have things to do right now,” Kanan called over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, but I wanted to be doing nothing,” Ezra muttered. 

The trio headed out from the spaceport into Garel City. The market wasn’t a far walk from their section of the spaceport, almost immediately outside, so at least they didn’t have to spend time on a miserable walk over. Just the miserable shopping trip. 

Normally, Ezra would jump at the chance to spend time alone with Kanan that didn’t involve training, Chopper being here didn’t really count. They rarely had time anymore to spend time together, the Rebellion was always demanding more from all of them. It was just that when Kanan got like this, fresh from whatever pointless and petty argument with Rex, it was exhausting to be around him. 

And it was turning out to be exactly that. They finished up at the first vendor and Kanan had to stop an argument that broke out between Ezra and Chopper. 

“Just go, Chop,” Kanan said, rubbing his eyes. “Meet us back here in an hour. And please, try and buy at least one thing from this list.” 

Chopper grumbled but accepted the datapad. He hadn’t been given a lot to buy on his own; a few spare parts Hera needed for some work on the _Ghost_. The droid rolled off, ignoring the other shoppers around, forcing them to move out of his way. 

“He’s lucky Hera likes him like that,” Ezra said, scratching an itch on the back of his head. He glanced up at Kanan who simply shook his head.

“Let’s go, we still have a lot to buy, even with splitting it up,” Kanan said. 

Ezra sighed and followed after him. Normally getting a good insult in at Chopper would lighten the mood for anyone. Kanan seemed to be determined to sit in his frustrations. What was he supposed to do if Kanan didn’t want to be cheered up? And how was it fair to have been dragged along?

They were halfway through their list when they passed a fruit vendor. Ezra’s eyes lit up when he saw a pile of orange and yellow fruit. He tugged on Kanan’s sleeve and pointed. “Let’s get a couple.”

“Meilooruns? Those aren’t on the list,” Kanan argued. 

“Yeah, but it’ll be a nice surprise,” Ezra said, shrugging. “Plus, I doubt Hera would really mind if we came back with some.”

Kanan raised an eyebrow and then sighed. Ezra grinned and walked over to the vendor. Meilooruns weren’t cheap this far out in the galaxy, though at least here on Garel they were easier to come by. The lack of Imperials meddling with the planet helped with that one, though sometimes it was hard to not be bitter that Garel was getting it so easy while Lothal—its neighbour—was constantly suffering. 

After this purchase the mood began to lighten. Ezra carried the two fruits under his arms as they finished up buying all the supplies. He rattled away about how Garel City’s marketplace was so much bigger than Capital City’s back on Lothal. Kanan was soon smiling, telling him about all the different places around the galaxy he had seen, and also saying that smaller marketplaces like Lothal’s were better places to shop for day to day needs (though Ezra wondered if he was just being nice). It was turning into the short outing Ezra didn’t think it would be.

The walk back to the spaceport was slower now that they were bogged down with all the supplies. Chopper upon his return decided that he wanted to be even more difficult than before and almost caused Ezra to drop his meilooruns. And since Chopper was never helpful when it mattered, Kanan’s bad mood was starting to come back the closer they got to their ship. 

Inside the spaceport, Chopper rolled off ahead of them, clearly done with the shopping trip. Ezra tried to keep his steps slow so that Kanan could take his time getting back to the ship. Anything to try and keep things as they were. Just for a little bit longer. 

They both deserved a few more moments of simply getting to be together with no worries. 

Turning the corner, the _Ghost_ came into view and Ezra saw the tension in Kanan multiply. 

Without really thinking, Ezra blurted out, “This was fun, just the two of us shopping.” He stopped walking once the words were out, staring up at Kanan. Kanan stopped walking as well, turning back to look at him. “I had a good time.” 

“Yeah?” Kanan asked, readjusting the box of supplies he was carrying under one arm. 

“Yeah. I mean, it can get pretty boring when we’re stuck in the spaceport all day, training and cleaning and getting ready for whatever the next thing coming up is. So,” Ezra said, the words tumbling out from his mouth, “it was a nice break from that.”

Kanan smiled and shook his head. “Are you trying to suck up to me? To get out of training?”

“What? No!” Ezra walked up to him, his eyebrows coming together. “I meant it!”

“Uh huh. Sure, kid,” Kanan said. With his free hand, he grabbed Ezra’s shoulder and gave him a gentle shove in the direction of their home. “Well, good, ‘cause sucking up would never work on me.”

Ezra let himself get pushed along, trying to keep the smile spreading too much across his face. “Like I’d suck up to you,” he said.

Kanan laughed. “Yeah, yeah, we can’t have that now, can we?”

They made their way onto the ship and Ezra couldn’t help but notice that Kanan wasn’t holding himself as tightly wound up now. He didn’t try and contain his smile anymore.

⬥⬥⬥

He lifted one leg up in the air, his foot resting along the top side of his bunk. He couldn’t straighten his leg out completely anymore, not like how he had been able to when he had first gotten to the _Ghost_. When he first got here, his legs fit perfectly between the bunk and its ceiling, if a little snuggly. Now, his knee was bent, no longer offering the stretch he had liked. It was getting to be two years of having been on board. It was hard sometimes to think back on how things had been before he had gotten here. How much had changed.

Things kept changing.

Ezra stared up at his foot. There were scuff marks all across his boot. He had gotten these shortly before coming aboard. They were still completely wearable, though sometimes he thought that maybe his toes were starting to pinch a bit. He was probably going to have to ask Kanan and Hera for a new pair soon. That thought made him nervous, though. While he knew that they would supply what he needed, actually asking for something new had never come up before. Anything he had gotten from them had been their idea. He had tried really hard to never ask for anything; they had already given him so much, he didn’t want to come across as greedy. 

They weren’t his parents, he didn’t want to ask for too much.

His upraised leg drooped slightly as what felt like a wave washed over him. Ezra blinked back tears that were starting to build up again. He wiped his eyes, catching any before they fell, and changed which foot was pressed against the top of the bunk. 

He could wait on asking for new shoes. He didn’t need them right now, it wasn’t like he was growing that fast. Maybe he would get lucky and Kanan or Hera would see that he was going to need new ones eventually. He could probably count on them noticing, they were often more observant about his needs than even he was. 

They weren’t his parents…

The hatchway to the cabin opened but Ezra kept his focus on his foot raised above him. Zeb was probably just coming in to grab something. It had been a week since they had left Lothal again and met back up with the fleet to handoff the cruisers that Leia had given them. Everyone on board had been trying to give him some space, trying to let him come to them when he needed someone. Even Chopper was still being nice to him. He appreciated it all but he was getting lonely. Blinking a couple times, making sure there weren’t any tears left in his eyes, Ezra turned his head to ask Zeb if he wanted to playing a round of dejarik.

It wasn’t Zeb in the doorway but Kanan. His teacher’s lips quirked as he raised an eyebrow, his eyes followed the leg stuck up in the air to the foot pressed against the bunk. Ezra dropped his foot, bending his leg at the knee. 

“Kanan,” he said, pushing up to rest on his elbows. Since they had gotten back to the _Ghost_ , Kanan had been in some ways the most distant, often letting Hera take the lead the few times Ezra had gone to talk to them. She’d been the one to talk him through the bad (but completely normal and un-Force related) dreams that would wake him up in the middle of the night cycle. He knew it wasn’t that Kanan was avoiding him, Kanan just wasn’t sure how to talk him through this one. He was there for him, he was, but it was clear that he wasn’t the expert on this. Plus, Kanan still had trouble opening up about all the loss he had faced. Ezra didn’t want Kanan to feel like he had to open up just because he was struggling at the moment. 

Kanan’s mouth softened into an actual smile as he walked into the room. Ezra pushed himself up all the way, swinging his legs over the side of the bunk. Resting an arm on the cushion, Kanan leaned against the bunk and looked around the cabin. His mouth twitched as he surveyed the mess of the room. “How are you doing?” Kanan asked when his eyes made their way back towards the bunk.

Ezra shrugged and rested his hands on his lap. His shoulders drooped forwards. “A little bored, I guess.” He didn’t really want to go into what he was actually feeling, not that there was anything that Kanan hadn’t heard from him already. 

“Well, I can fix that,” Kanan responded, bumping the side of Ezra’s leg with his fist. “We need to start training again.” 

Nodding, Ezra sighed a little. They really did. He was happy to have had the break. He didn’t think he’d be able to use his lightsaber right now without accidentally hitting himself with it, but it was time to get back to work. 

He started to slide forwards, ready to jump down, when Kanan place a hand on his leg. “Not this second. Tomorrow. I’ve got some stuff to do for Hera today,” Kanan said. “I just wanted to tell you we’re going to be back into the swing of things. It’ll be good for the both of us. Routine and all that.” 

“Right.” Ezra nodded again.

He readjusted on the bunk; he was about to slide all the way off regardless of Kanan’s hand stopping him from intentionally doing so. Once he was fully back on the bunk, Ezra glanced around the room before looking his teacher over. Kanan might not have known exactly how to handle this situation but what he was offering was still exactly what he needed. Ezra was grateful to him for all he had done. 

Kanan’s words from when they had watched the moons setting over Lothal were still hanging around in his head. He had thought over them every night since, trying to see if he could feel his parents again, see them again, before sleep would grab him. He hadn’t, not like that night on his home world. But at the same time, he had. Kanan was right saying that they would always be a part of him. 

Kanan was right, but sometimes it still wasn’t enough. 

“Tomorrow, sounds good,” Ezra said, trying to smile at his teacher. Kanan smiled back and patted his leg. He stepped away from the bunk and stretched his arms up above his head. He continued towards the door as he lowered his arms. “Wait, Kanan!” Ezra called, sitting up as straight as he could. 

Kanan turned around, brows raised in mild surprise. “Yeah? What is it?”

“Just…” Ezra swallowed, his mouth drying up. He swallowed again, trying to wet his mouth so he could keep talking. He needed to say this, he needed Kanan to know. “Just, thank you. For everything. You and Hera, and everyone.”

Kanan stared back at him for a few seconds before smiling. “Tomorrow,” he said, hitting the controls for the hatchway. “Early, too, so don’t stay up too late. Oh, and I think Zeb’s in the common room, in case you’re wondering.” And with that, he left.

Ezra stared at the closed hatchway for a long time. His feet were still hanging off the side of bunk. He kicked them out a couple times before finally sliding off to the floor. 

He was getting hungry and now that the thought of playing dejarik with Zeb was in his head, he wanted to see if Zeb was up for it.

⬥⬥⬥

He stood in the hatchway to the cockpit, a faint frown on his face. He had hoped Hera would be in here, he had wanted to chat with her, but he only found Kanan in the pilot’s seat. It had been a long day, and the trip back from Ryloth had been tense even though he thought the mission had overall gone really well, especially once Cham had stopped trying to sabotage it. He wanted to check in with Hera, really just to talk to her about anything; he often did after sort of weird missions like this one. Ezra glanced behind him at the door to Hera’s cabin wondering if she was in there. He knew everyone was on the ship, no one had been called away to some other ship in the fleet (meaning _Hera_ hadn’t been called away with someone—him and/or Sabine—tagging along).

“What’s up, kid?” Kanan asked. Ezra turned back to the cockpit but Kanan wasn’t looking at him. He was reading something on a datapad, maybe the most recent diagnostic on the ship or a mission report from Commander Sato or something else equally dull. 

“Nothing really. I was just looking for Hera,” Ezra answered, stepping into the space. The hatchway shut behind him. 

“She’s in her cabin, working on Chopper,” Kanan said. Quickly, before Ezra could make to leave or really even think about it, he turned and smiled. “And no, she doesn’t want help.”

Frowning, Ezra walked forwards. It wasn’t fair how Kanan always knew what everyone was going to say. He plopped down into the co-pilot’s seat, which was usually Kanan’s. Usually Kanan’s seat, but now forcibly shared with him if he got to it first, which was often enough since he wanted to be sure to get a seat in the cockpit when everyone was gathered here (not that he really minded sitting down in the nose turret instead, it was his favourite place on the _Ghost_ ). Usually Kanan’s seat, though Sabine had been taking it over a lot since she had started to really learn how to co-pilot so Kanan could move his focus to training Ezra (this wasn’t lost on him, he knew Kanan had changed a lot of how he used to live because of him). The co-pilot’s seat was still always going to be considered Kanan’s seat, though. 

He spun around in it once, ignoring his teacher’s gaze on him, and finally settled to look out the viewport at the fleet that was surrounding them. It was weird to think that around a year ago it was only them, only the _Ghost_. It was even weirder to think about when it was only him before Kanan and them had found him alone on Lothal and offered him the chance to have a life again. 

Glancing over at Kanan, Ezra started to speak but stopped, mouth opened slightly. No, it was a dumb question. And Kanan was busy. 

“What’s on your mind?” Kanan asked, looking back at his datapad.

“What do you mean?” 

Kanan gave him a pointed look, raising one eyebrow. 

Sighing, Ezra slumped down in the chair, his legs sliding out in front of him. He shrugged before he answered, “I don’t know, I guess I’m just wondering what did you and Hera do before we all showed up.”

Putting the datapad down in his lap, Kanan’s face was taken over with mild surprise. “What’s brought this on?”

“Well, I know before you guys, Sabine was in the Imperial Academy on Mandalore and then a bounty hunter, and Zeb said he was roughing it.” Which was more of a generalization of what Zeb had told him, which in and of itself had been a generalization, too. “You guys had to have been doing something before we all came along,” he said, shrugging again as if that made what he was asking about really no big deal at all. 

Kanan frowned slightly before looking out at the space all around their home. He sighed and leaned back in the pilot’s chair (Hera’s seat). “We did a lot of the same as now. Maybe nothing as big as what we can pull off with Phoenix Squadron, but we did whatever jobs put fuel in the _Ghost_ and a thorn in the Empire’s side.” He turned the datapad over and over in his hands. Ezra watched him and waited. He knew now when Kanan was done talking and when more was coming; he knew now when not to interrupt. “Hera was doing all of that well before she found me.” 

This time, Ezra frowned. He looked back out of the ship. Obviously, he knew that Kanan and Hera hadn’t always been working together; Kanan had been with the Jedi, and now he knew Hera had grown up on Ryloth. But there had been a part of him that just thought of Kanan and Hera as always together. That’s how it felt on the ship, at least. They were always a pair. Always going to be one. 

That didn’t making knowing that they hadn’t always been any less weird. 

“Well, what were you doing before you met her?” Ezra asked. He turned his gaze back to Kanan and rolled his eyes. He found Kanan smirking, about to give some all too obvious answer that didn’t answer the question at all.

“I was with the Jedi, Ezra, you know that.” Yeah, a non-answer just like that one.

Ezra glared over. “I know _that_ , I mean afterward, before you met Hera.”

“This and that,” Kanan said. He placed the datapad on top of the control panel and then stretched his arms up over his head. “It’s a big galaxy, a lot of stuff to do out there.”

“That’s not really an answer,” Ezra pointed out. He turned the co-pilot’s seat around. 

“It’s as much of an answer as you’re going to get.” Kanan stood up, finishing his stretch before nudging Ezra’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s go to the hold, we can train for a bit before I start cooking dinner.”

Ezra nodded and followed Kanan down into the cargo hold. He knew this conversation was done, Kanan was really good at ending the ones he didn’t want to continue, changing the subject faster than Ezra could think of a way to keep it on what he wanted to know. Maybe one day Ezra would find out more about who Kanan was before they had met, but it really didn’t matter in the long run. He liked the Kanan he knew. That was enough for him; he didn’t need someone else.

⬥⬥⬥

“Ezra, let’s go.”

Ezra sighed and drooped forward, resting his head against the round, checkered table. Sabine, who was across from him, snickered at what he was sure was a hilarious image of him distorting their dejarik game. They had only just started the game, neither of them getting more than two moves in, before Kanan’s voice rang through the corridors of the _Ghost_ into the common room. 

He just wanted one hour to do what he wanted. 

“You better go to him, he’ll just get more annoying if you make him search for you,” Sabine said, nudging him with her foot. 

His voice muffled slightly as he didn’t lift his head to respond, he mumbled, “Don’t you think I know that?”

Standing up from his stool, he took slow steps to leave the common room. He threw a glare over his shoulder at Sabine who now openly laughed at him. This wasn’t fair; he was the only one still having to train one top of working on setting up the base. Sabine had even taken a break from learning to fly the _Ghost_ from Hera (granted, that was mostly because Hera was now way too busy to teach). Why couldn’t Kanan cut him some slack? Why wasn’t he too busy?

It had been like this since Ahsoka had left; not that it had been that many days of this new routine of constantly training. She had stopped by the new base briefly, had a quick meeting with Commander Sato and Hera, and then had a much longer and private meeting with Kanan. He hadn’t been allowed to join that meeting despite being the only other Jedi around. And then she left. Ezra had barely gotten to see her, let alone talk to her. 

And ever since she left, with the promise she’d be back as soon as she could, Kanan had doubled down on training. They were sparring any chance they had during the day, a few hours scattered between supply runs or manual labour around the base. Every evening they spent an hour meditating. 

Ezra was fine with it, really, he got that it was important; they were going to Malachor and clearly that was going to be dangerous. But at a certain point Kanan was just going to accept that they were as ready as they could be.

He had really thought that he would get an hour to himself (well, him and Sabine). Kanan had been dragged to a meeting with Hera, which was _supposed_ to have taken a while. If he had gotten time to just be a kid for a bit than he would have been more than ready to train today. Again. For the third time. 

Okay, maybe he wasn’t totally fine with this.

“Ezra!”

“I’m coming!” Ezra shouted back. He had just stepped into the cockpit; the hatchway had been kept open which explained why Kanan’s voice was carrying so well through the _Ghost_. Hera winced in the pilot seat and turned to raise an eyebrow at him. It seemed like it hadn’t been a long mission for either of them. Ezra offered an apologetic smile before trudging over to the ladder. He slid down into the hold and turned to face his teacher.

“Where were you?” Kanan asked, his arms crossed. It was hard to tell who was more annoyed out of the two of them. They were both sporting the least impressed looks this side of the galaxy.

“I was in the common room with Sabine, starting to enjoy what was _supposed_ to be an hour of downtime, like you promised me,” Ezra replied with a shrug. He walked around Kanan and unhooked his lightsaber. He looked over his shoulder and found Kanan with a tight lipped-frown but with no response. He merely unhooked his lightsaber as well.

They both turned on the training settings and got into position. Ezra knew the drill at this point. They’d get into position, they’d do a few rounds of sparring and they’d pretty much tie every time. He had yet to beat Kanan in a match, though that last time they trained Kanan had only managed to score one win. They’d do this until Kanan deemed they were tired or Hera interrupted with work to do, whichever came first. Ezra was hoping for the latter, that would end this session a whole lot faster. 

He didn’t get his wish. After an hour of working through different series almost wordlessly, sometimes there would be banter if Kanan was in better spirits, but it seemed like today was a day where he was just in a bad mood, Kanan finally called it.

“You did good,” Kanan said, patting Ezra on the back, a smile on his face finally. So, maybe it wasn’t his mood, but there was something up with him. “We’ll meditate tonight if we aren’t needed for anything.”

“Sure.” Ezra unzipped the top of his coveralls, tying the arms around his waist. They had gone a lot harder today, for whatever reason. He was a lot hotter and sweatier. 

“Maybe Sabine is still free, I can try and get you guys out of doing work for a bit if you both still want downtime,” Kanan offered as he untwisted his lightsaber. He hooked the pieces onto his belt.

“Yeah, sure, if you can convince Hera.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Hey, Kanan…”

Kanan looked over at him, an eyebrow raised. He must have picked up on the uneasiness Ezra was feeling. It had been sudden, hitting him when they had finished. It was hard to put into words what had caused this. He just knew that there was something wrong. Something about Kanan was off. 

“Is… is everything okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” Kanan replied. He crossed his arms again, closing himself off, though he cocked a hip to the side to try and give off a sense of ease. It didn’t work, not on him. He knew Kanan too well now. 

“I don’t know,” Ezra said. He tried to shrug, to match the fake ease being offered to him, but his shoulders barely moved. “You just seem tense.”

Kanan sighed. “There’s a lot happening, a lot to plan for. Don’t worry about it, okay? With the base getting set up and everything, it’s hard not to be a little tense.”

“And then there’s Malachor,” Ezra added.

“And then there’s Malachor. But, again, we don’t have to worry about that right now. Once Ahsoka is back we’ll know more, be more prepared. We’re doing everything we can to be ready,” Kanan said. He let out another sigh before nodding towards the ladder. “Come on, let’s see if we can get you some free time for a bit.” 

Ezra fell into step behind him and followed him out of the hold. He didn’t wait around in the cockpit to see if he would get his free time or not; he was going to need to clean up a bit first no matter what the outcome was. He waved at Hera as he passed through the room. Kanan sat down in his chair with a heavy breath that Ezra decided to ignore. 

He wasn’t being told everything, he knew that. Something was up, something Kanan and Ahsoka both weren’t telling him. Well, there was no point dwelling on it. Either they’d tell him or not, it wasn’t going to change anything. He wasn’t too worried about Malachor, he’d have Kanan and Ahsoka with him, plus they’d have him. He wasn’t really worried about what the outcome would be or how long they’d be gone. As long as he trusted in them and their judgement he had nothing to worry about, right? Ahsoka and Kanan knew what they were doing. That’s why there were secrets and training, because they knew what they doing. They had to know what they were doing. They were going to go to Malachor, figure out what they could do to stop the Sith, and then hopefully be back in no time to help the Rebellion again. It was all planned out (he hoped). They were going to succeed.

So, why did Kanan seem so scared?

⬥⬥⬥

The _Ghost_ was quiet.

Ezra sat at the dejarik table, one elbow resting against it with his head leaning on his hand. He had a datapad in front of him but he wasn’t using it. He couldn’t even remember why he had grabbed one in the first place. He had been doing a lot of mindless things lately. 

He had been like this for around an hour now. At the moment, Zeb was the only other person on the ship, but he hadn’t seen him since he left their cabin this morning. Zeb was clearly letting him be alone as long as he needed it. He didn’t mind that he was being given space, it was what he wanted. Ezra had no idea what to say to anyone anymore. Every time he wanted to talk the words just felt hollow. What do you even say at a time like this? 

And it wasn’t like anyone really understood, anyway. They weren’t there. They had no clue what this was like, living with the weight of all the mistakes that were made. They tried to comfort him when he had gotten back, but it was clear soon enough that anything they could said was just words. At least that’s how it felt to him.

Kanan was the only person who could possibly understand him, but he wasn’t here.

It hadn’t been long since everything changed—maybe a week, maybe getting to be two weeks, now? It was hard to say; he couldn’t remember how much time had passed since leaving Chopper Base and returning, since returning and mourning. Since they came back and brought that change. Everything around the base had shifted, thrown off its axis. But nothing stopped. Everyone was still going about their day, still working towards the goal of liberating the galaxy. Everything was still moving. Moving around him.

Ezra pushed the datapad away and looked up at the common room’s hatchway. Zeb was the only person on the ship right now but he wasn’t going to come through the door. Chopper, maybe. He might just pop up suddenly. Try and pick a fight to lighten the mood, move things in the direction of normal. Though, even Chopper was feeling the effects of their losses. Most likely, Hera or Sabine would come in and try to _help_. One of them would offer to cook lunch for everyone, but really only to ensure that he ate something. Kanan wasn’t going to be the one who came in.

It wasn’t like Kanan was avoiding them, it was just that he was still at the base’s medbay. He had been there pretty much the whole time they had been back, trying adjusting to the life forced upon him. (That he had helped cause.) Kanan wasn’t spending any time on the _Ghost_ ; the medical droids wanted to be sure that everything was fine. _Fine…_ as if things were ever going to be fine again. 

“Hey.”

Ezra blinked and refocused his attention at door and saw Sabine standing there, her arms crossed in front of her. 

“Hey,” he answered, leaning back on the couch and looking away. “When did you get back?”

“Just now, Hera didn’t want company for seeing Kanan. She didn’t want to overwhelm him,” Sabine said. She walked over to the table and booth, sliding in. She didn’t move too close, letting him keep his distance. “He’s probably coming back to the ship today.”

Shrugging, Ezra started to trace the checker design on the table. “Yeah,” he muttered, not looking over at her. “Yeah, Hera mentioned something about that earlier.”

“She said we shouldn’t get our hopes up that he’ll want to spend time out here; he’ll probably want to go to his cabin.” Sabine sounded tired, defeated. It was weird; she was always so put together. But this… this seemed to actually be breaking down the walls of strength she built up around herself. In the two years they’d known each other, Ezra could only think of one time where she was this far from her usual demeanour when Hera had gotten shot down by Fenn Rau (and even that time she managed to cover it up by sneaking onto a mission with…)

She probably assumed that he was falling apart if her walls were chipping. Well, what did she know?

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Ezra…”

“What?” He turned his head to her, frowning. “It makes sense. He’s still recovering.”

Sabine opened her mouth but quickly shook her head and looked down at the table. Whatever pointless argument she had for whatever this was must have seemed useless. Ezra looked back down at the table. 

A few minutes passed before she tried something else. “Commander Sato said I could paint one of the training A-wings. I have nothing else to do today so I was going to head over there. Do you… do you want to come with me?”

Ezra paused in his tracing, trying to keep his temper from flaring up. Sabine only let him join her in a painting project if he followed her to it despite her many protests. Their hidden TIE had been the one time he had a free pass since he was the reason she got to paint it. It was clear that she was pitying him, now. She felt sorry for him and that was the only reason she was offering. 

“Not really,” he answered. He slid out from the booth, avoiding the worried look that had to be on her face now. He made his way to the door, reaffirming to himself that he did really just want to be alone right now. He was about to open the hatch when voices on the other side reached his ears. He couldn’t understand what they were saying but he knew them, obviously. 

Hera was back and Zeb was in the hall. And, though he didn’t seem to be talking, Ezra knew that Kanan was there, going into his cabin. He could _feel_ his master onboard the ship now. All he had to do was open the door and step into the hall and then he could see him. See that Kanan was here again, alive still. He hadn’t gone to the medbay the whole time, he hadn’t seen Kanan since he had been whisked away to see what could be done for an irreversible injury.

“Ezra?” Sabine was standing up now, he could see her if he turned his head slightly in her direction. She was wringing her hands, something he couldn’t remember ever seeing her do. 

“Maybe another time.” 

The hall was mostly clear now as he made his way into it. Only Zeb was there now, staring blankly down towards the cockpit. He twitched slightly when he realized he wasn’t alone anymore. His eyes softened, though his frown deepened. 

“You just missed him, but he’s probably still up,” Zeb said, nodding his head towards Kanan’s room.

“It’s fine. He’ll be here tomorrow.” Ezra shrugged as he answered, walking towards their cabin. Zeb sidestepped away from the door when he got close.

“I’ll uh… I’ll give you some space,” Zeb muttered, rubbing the back of his head. He turned and took a couple steps towards the cockpit before seemingly changing his mind and then heading towards the common room.

Ezra waited in the corridor alone. He was facing the door to his room, to where he could hide. But his attention was on Kanan’s cabin. He knew he could, he knew he _should_ , go and see Kanan. It had been a whole week—or was it two?—since they had spoken, the longest since they had met. If he just went and saw him then he would know where they stood, where their whole family stood. He could figure out what was next.

He stepped into his cabin. It was dark, though not cold like Ezra felt it should be. Zeb had just been in here; it had the feeling of lived in. It didn’t reflect the distance and emptiness that was consuming him. But it was better to feel all of that in here than out there where people would try and fix it. 

Didn’t they understand that there was no fixing it? He did. He knew that he had caused all of this and that was it. Because of him everything was ruined. Kanan was broken now. Ahsoka was gone. And they had gained nothing for it, they had come home empty and defeated. He had been weak and too trusting, unwilling to see what was actually happening around him. He had just assumed they could do it, trusting in his abilities more than he should have.

Ezra knew that this was all his fault. All his mistake.

He placed a hand on the ladder up to his bunk and then paused. 

Glancing over his shoulder, he looked at the helmets he had lined on the shelf against the wall. There was a humming coming from the middle one. The one where he had hidden…

He was never going to let anything like this happen again. By any means necessary, he was going to protect his family. Protect the Rebellion and the galaxy. The Empire and the Sith weren’t going to take anything else from him. Not again. He wasn’t going to allow them to take even more. They had just kept taking and taking and _taking_. No more. Not while he had power. Not while he had the chance at gaining even more power.

Stepping back from the ladder, Ezra turned around.

⬥⬥⬥

Atollon was especially hot that day. Even the _Ghost_ ’s interior was getting up there in temperature. It was too stuffy in the cabins. Ezra couldn’t think, not that he really had anything to think about. At least Zeb wasn’t around, either off in a meeting or somewhere else on the ship. It didn’t matter where, just that he wasn’t here. Ezra didn’t want to put up with his complaining about how much harder it was for him just because he had fur.

Groaning as he moved—it really was too hot—Ezra made his way off of his bunk and to the floor. He walked over to the hatchway, sparing a quick glance at the row of three helmets at the wall, and reached to open the door. But his fingers hovered. 

From outside in the corridor, two voices drifted through the bulkhead. Hera and Kanan. Ezra could just make out what they were saying; it wasn’t like they were speaking all that loud. Hera soon made her farewells and Ezra waiting until he was sure Kanan had gone into his cabin before leaving his own. 

He wasn’t avoiding Kanan. He didn’t have to avoid him. Kanan did a good enough job of not spending time with him that just going about his day normally meant they would most likely just cross paths at meal times, if even that much. And that was enough. He didn’t need his teacher hovering or asking him questions. 

Ezra took the long way through the ship to get to the hold. Hera probably had been at a meeting or maybe she had gotten to spend the few precious moments Kanan decided that he’d grace someone with his presence. He knew that if he went through the cockpit she would want to ask him questions, give him a task, or even try to persuade him to train with Kanan. None of that was appealing on a normal day, even less so today. 

Once outside, though, Ezra grimaced. It wasn’t that much better out here than on the _Ghost_. Sure there was a breeze but it was still too hot. And it looked like everyone was laying low in the afternoon trying to find ways to beat the heat. Since it was a surprisingly quiet day on the base, everyone was actually able to hide away and wait for the evening before getting to any work that needed to be done outside. Only those who _had_ to be outside were sweltering in the heat. 

He found his way to a stack of crates, filled with ammunitions, and jumped to the top of them. He settled down there and tried to ignore the heat sticking to him. He knew eventually he would have to move; once AP-5 found him there it was going to become a less-than-enjoyable place to be. Of course Chopper was the only one who could find a droid even more annoying than himself. And of course only Hera would be fine keeping the galaxy’s two most annoying droids around in the first place. 

He leaned back on his hands and lifted his legs up to sit cross-legged. It was nice up here, on top of three crates, overlooking the whole base. It was especially nice since there was no one out who would bother him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Ezra saw something scurry by. He sighed and turned to look, expecting it to be Chopper coming to bother him. Couldn’t he get more than ten minutes alone anymore? It wasn’t Chopper though, but a trio of dokma scuttling around in front of the crates. No one on the base had figured out how to keep the critters out and now they were just a staple part of living here. 

The trio went on their way, unaware of their observer. Ezra sighed and leaned back on his hands again. It was quiet out and empty but now he was getting bored. It used to be that he never had time to get bored; Kanan would be on him like a vulture to get him to start training, and if not him than it would have been Hera or Rex. Now he would just sit around between missions and wait. 

“There has got to be something to do…” he muttered to himself. 

Well, there was something, though that was back on the _Ghost_. It had been days since he had opened it, not since Zeb had been almost caught on their last mission. Almost caught because he hadn’t been fast enough to be back up, fast enough to stop the two stormtroopers who had jumped Zeb. The mission had been a success and Zeb had walked away with only a mild blaster burn on his arm. But it was Ezra’s fault, and he knew it. He could go back to the ship and look for more ways to avoid anything like that, or worse, happening again.

Looking down at the ground and laid in floors all around the base, about to jump down to leave, he saw more dokma were making their way by the crates. This time a pair. A smirk passed over his lips and Ezra closed his eyes, reaching out. He moved his focus away from the secrets hidden away on the _Ghost_ and onto the closer of the two animals. Soon, it was floating up into the air. He opened his eyes and chuckled at the tiny-shelled animal trying to figure out why it was dangling at least ten feet up in the air. After a minute of watching this, Ezra let the dokma fall (though he caught it a foot above the ground before letting it fall the rest of the way). Its friend rushed over to check on it before the same fate happened to it. And continued to repeat on them.

“What are you doing?” 

Ezra looked to his right, letting the current hanging dokma down a bit more roughly than he’d intended, and found Sabine staring up at him with her arms crossed. He looked back over at the pair of dokma and found they had run much farther away than he had let them get away before she had arrived. 

He sighed and flopped down on the crate. Staring up at the sky, he answered, “Training.”

“On them?” The tone of her voice was enough to make him roll his eyes. She didn’t understand, so of course she was judging him. It didn’t matter but it was still annoying. 

He shrugged his shoulders, ultimately pointless because she couldn’t see him from where she was standing. “Sure,” he said. He kicked his legs out in front of him so that they’d hang off the side of crate. “I don’t have anyone else to train with.”

“Is this what you’ve been doing all day? I haven’t seen you around much,” she asked. Oh great, she was in a question mood. That’s exactly what he needed.

“No, obviously not. I had a mission debriefing with Sato and Hera this morning. You were off doing some art or whatever,” he said. “Also, hours of this? Come on, I have better things to do than practice lifting up dumb animals all day.”

He could hear her annoyed hum in response. 

And then the sound of Sabine making her way up the crates filled the air and Ezra sighed again. Of course she was climbing up, she couldn’t let anything go. Constantly checking in on him even though he was fine now. He had to be fine now, this was what the galaxy was offering him so he had to take it. There wasn’t any changing the situation so what was the point in trying to? All he could do was make sure nothing like _that_ happened again so things couldn’t get any worse. But, they weren’t going to get any better. 

“So, how long have you been here?” she asked once her head crested the top of the crates. 

“Ten minutes? Fifteen? I didn’t come out here to pay attention,” he answered. He turned his head to look at her fully as she sat along the edge. “Why?”

“Have you eaten lunch yet?” She wasn’t looking at him while she asked, her focus outward. He sat upright to see if there was anything interesting to look at. Nope, just some more dokma now running away from the crates. 

“Not really, I had a ration bar an hour or two ago,” he said. 

“Well, come on,” she said, reaching over and punching his arm lightly, “let’s go get something to eat. I didn’t eat lunch either.”

Ezra groaned, loudly. Sabine glared and punched his arm again. “Fine, fine. I’ll go,” he muttered, grabbing her hand when it was clear she was going in for a third punch. 

“Good,” she said as she slid off the side. 

He watched as her feet touched the ground and she looked back up at him expectantly. He rolled his eyes, hoping she caught him doing so, and jumped down. 

“Well, lead the way,” Ezra said, giving her as sarcastic a salute as he could manage. She frowned but made no comment.

As they walked towards the mess hall (or, rather, mess area), guilt started to creep up on Ezra. He shouldn’t be giving Sabine such a hard time, it wasn’t fair. He was getting hungry as it was, so her asking wasn’t really a problem. And he liked spending time with her still; she really was the easiest to be around in the day to day. It was just when she started to pester him about stuff he knew he should, or shouldn’t, do that he got this way. 

Company for lunch was nice though, he hadn’t really eaten with anyone else all week, even if after this things would really just continue has they had been. They were all adjusted to this life now. Sabine’s one-person mission to get him back to “normal” wasn’t going to work. Eventually she’d see that. But for now, he could do lunch.

⬥⬥⬥

“This will be a good spot,” Kanan said, standing with his back to him.

Ezra wasn’t sure how he could tell, but he wanted to trust him. They had left the base, still taking a sensor with them even though Kanan assured him that the krykna wouldn’t bother them at all. Ezra _did_ trust him on that as well, but with what they were going to be doing, he didn’t want to focus on being calm about the krykna on top of everything. He’d work on dealing with the krykna another day. 

“You sure? Don’t you want to be closer to the base?” Ezra asked in spite of himself. _Just in case._

“Less distractions out here. It’ll be easier for the both of us,” Kanan answered. He turned around, facing him. The painted eyes of his mask made it seem like they were staring at each other. They weren’t, though. They couldn’t. 

They were standing in the place where only days ago Kanan had introduced him to The Bendu. If he was being honest with himself, which he was trying do more and more now, Ezra’s head was still reeling from the past week or so. Everything from Reklam Station to coming to this place the first time to Maul was too much to process in such a short amount of time. Even reconciling with Kanan finally— _finally_ —was weighing on him when it should only be lifting him up. It was all too much. 

And now they were here. Out in the middle of nowhere with some strange Force being lurking nearby. Out here to train. To spar. 

“We’ll take it easy, it’s been awhile since we’ve done this together.” The words were just facts but it stung nonetheless. Ezra knew Kanan hadn’t meant anything by it but it just reminded him of the distance they had mutually kept up between each other. “How about we start by going through the positions to attune ourselves with each other and then we can do a few different series.”

“Sure, that sounds good,” Ezra said. He swallowed, trying to wet his now very dry mouth. He was nervous and those nerves were only growing more and more with each second that passed. 

He didn’t want to accidentally hurt Kanan.

They got into the ready position and moved through each position after that. They weren’t in sync, at least not at first. It took a few passes before they fell into a rhythm together. It wasn’t an easy one, not like how it had been for them in the past, but it was one that they could get to now. It was theirs even if it was new to them. 

And soon, sooner than Ezra thought was possible at this point, they were comfortably in sync. They movements became fluid and smooth, there was no hesitation or questioning as they went from one position to the next one. This training, it was a part of them that apparently hadn’t been taken away. 

It was comforting, like returning home. 

“Do you think you’re ready to spar now?” Kanan asked as they finished up their short break.

Ezra shrugged as he swallowed his mouthful of water and then tried not to wince. He quickly followed the unseen movement with a, “Yeah,” and set his canteen down on the speeder bike they had rode out here. He made his way over to Kanan and reignited his lightsaber. “What were you thinking we could do?”

Kanan did a few flourishes with his own saber before getting into the ready position. His mask was still on and Ezra briefly wondered if it was getting hot underneath it. “We can do some of the series we’ve come up with. Change between them.”

“Any you want to do in particular?” Ezra asked as he followed suit and got into position. 

“Surprise me.”

Swallowing again, though this time there was no pretending his mouth wasn’t completely dry, Ezra tried to think of which series he wanted to start with. He couldn’t do to easy a one, from back when they were first starting to spar, but any they had from later on seemed far too dangerous now. 

“You ready?” Kanan asked.

“Uh, yeah,” he answered. He readjusted his grip on his lightsaber and picked a series to do at random. Ezra swung out, bringing his lightsaber toward Kanan’s left side and grimaced as the two blades made contact. It had been too long since his lightsaber had come up against another one, the feeling of the two weapons connecting was almost foreign to him now. He stumbled back slightly, even though they weren’t quite moving at full speed yet. Their lightsabers moved again to the next strike and block. It wasn’t comfortable, though that could probably useful for learning if Ezra was up to looking for a hidden lesson in their training. Right now, all he wanted was to not hurt Kanan more than he hardly had.

So they kept at it. 

Eventually, as their muscles remembered how to move in this way, they both became bolder with their attacks, more confident in their blocking. They allowed room for improvisation. Their speed quickened, they were almost moving at the pace they would in a real fight. And this was when Ezra started to falter, only a little but noticeably. 

“You aren’t focused,” Kanan said as he brought his lightsaber down towards Ezra’s head. 

“Sure I am,” he retorted, blocking the strike and whipping his blade around to the left. _That’s the problem_. He was too focused on where Kanan was that he was forgetting about where he was and where he should move to next. 

Ezra’s lightsaber was out of his hands before he even had the chance to try and stop himself from being disarmed. He stared at his weapon lying a few feet away from him and then back shifted his gaze up to Kanan.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, reaching out with one hand. The lightsaber on the ground flew up into the outstretched hand. “You’re being too cautious. This won’t work for either of us if you aren’t giving it your all.”

Taking a step forwards and accepting the lightsaber that was being held out to him, Ezra said, “I’m not being cautious, I just… I let you win. It was an ego boost.” He turned his lightsaber over in his hands a few times as he tried to get his nerves to start dissipating.

Kanan chuckled. “Well, don’t worry too much about my ego. It’s doing just fine, it’s taken beatings before.” He got back into the starting position and pointed at him, not yet having reignited his blade. “Come on, let’s go again.”

Ezra nodded, sighed, and got into position. They both knew that Kanan was putting on a bit of a front, pretending that he was okay again so that they together could start to heal. It was easy to see because he was doing it, too. Maybe it wasn’t Kanan’s ego that had suffered, but he had been hurt. And he needed to heal. If that meant trying to be as normal as possible, actually going all out in training, Ezra could do that. He could try to, at least. 

“You pick the series this time,” Ezra said, lighting up his lightsaber. Watched his teacher, waiting for the sign of what was to come.

“Okay, but I’m not going to go easy on you,” Kanan answered. The blue blade shot out from the hilt of the weapon as Kanan shifted his feet ever so slightly. “Be ready.”

“I always am.”

⬥⬥⬥

Kanan stepped into the common room and his eyebrows raised. “So this is where you’ve been hiding.”

Ezra rolled his eyes. He placed his datapad down on the table and shrugged. “I’m not hiding; it’s not really hiding if I’m easy to find.” He wasn’t hiding, just taking a moment to read the reports on the handful of missions they had missed when they were out taking Sabine to Krownest. He hadn’t had the time to catch up; the base had been busy since they had gotten back, not to mention their attempt at getting Kallus out of the Empire resulting in the collective worry of their almost being discovered by Thrawn and the worry that they hadn’t done enough to throw him off their trail. He had gotten through two reports with only three left to read. He wanted to be finished before dinner. 

“Even Hera was beginning to wonder where you had gotten to,” Kanan said as though that proved that he had been hiding. Which he hadn’t been. 

Tracing the edges of the datapad, Ezra watched Kanan make his way to the table and sit down opposite from him. Resting an arm on the table, Kanan gestured across from him. 

“Are you almost done with whatever that is?” 

“Sure, more or less,” Ezra answered. He turned the datapad off and smiled up at his teacher. “Do you have something planned?”

Kanan shrugged and turned his face down slightly. He moved his hand to the edge of the table and grinned. “We could play a round of dejarik; it’s been awhile.”

The groan that passed through his lips was immediate and unstoppable. “Ugh, Kanan,” he said, leaning back in the booth, “playing against you is awful. I lose every time, it’s not fun anymore”

“You’ll keep losing if you never practice.”

“It’s not a lack of practice, it’s just you. I’ve won plenty against Zeb and Sabine,” Ezra retorted. He frowned, his shoulders hunching forwards as he finished speaking. He tapped the side of his datapad twice before letting out a sigh. “I’m not in the mood to lose.”

“Sure,” Kanan said. He stood up and made his way to the galley. Ezra’s gaze followed him until the door closed. His eyes drifted around the room as he waited. There wasn’t anything to do but wait for Kanan to come back. And when he did return, and sat down next to him in the booth rather than across with a cup of caf in hand, Ezra continued to wait. For what, though, he didn’t know. 

Minutes passed by. He tried to read the report he was only halfway through but couldn’t focus. Kanan was just sitting quietly, maybe waiting as well, occasionally sipping his drink. 

Finally maybe they both go tired of waiting enough for a question to be asked: “What’s on your mind?” 

Ezra didn’t answer right away. A part of him wanted to just say “Well, what isn’t on my mind?” but that wouldn’t be helpful. And it would just push Kanan away. Kanan still would back off if Ezra showed any real hesitation—often with an outburst of anger—towards opening up. He didn’t want that now, he wanted to tell Kanan what was bothering him. He just didn’t know what it was exactly.

“The ship has been really quiet lately,” Ezra said. He traced his finger around the datapad again before starting to follow the checkers along the table. “It’s weird.”

“It is,” Kanan agreed. He set his cup on the table, keeping a hand on it, and his face turned down towards it as though he could stare at the ripples in the dark liquid’s surface.

Breathing in and out, Ezra said, “I miss Sabine. I know, I know it hasn’t been that long since she’s left, a couple of weeks, but the _Ghost_ feels different without her. Emptier.”

Kanan nodded and leaned back in the booth. He stroked his beard once before tilting his head towards Ezra. “I miss her, too, but it’s not like we won’t ever see her again. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know but that doesn’t change how weird it is on the ship. You guys have all had time here without her, I’ve always had you guys around. It’s always been the five, well six, of us here. It doesn’t feel right without her,” he tried to explain. His words were bouncing around in his head, spilling out but not as concisely as he would like. 

“I don’t know, I just thought that we would all always be together. It’s stupid, but ever since coming to live with all of you, I never pictured a future where we wouldn’t all be together.” Ezra’s hand stilled as he spoke, closing in a fist. “Obviously, there would be a handful a days where we’d split up, which there has been, and I know that there was when you were captured and then Malachor which... I just never thought any of us would actually leave the _Ghost_.”

There was no response from Kanan, no telling him that that was a ridiculous thing to have thought. Kanan just sat quietly next to him, listening and thinking. Ezra peered over at him and a small smile crept onto his face, it was clear to him that Kanan completely understood him and was getting ready to guide him through this, waiting for the right moment. They could toss a chance cube to know if on a given day would mean that they would be connecting with each other or just pretending they were fine. The former was becoming more and more common, however.

“It’s unrealistic, obviously, there’s no way of knowing we’d always all be here together. There was never a guarantee of that. But, I don’t know, I couldn’t help thinking that.”

“You’re right, we don’t know where we’ll all be in the future. Fighting in this war, there’s no way we can know. But,” Kanan said, shifting towards him and resting a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t believe that you’re wrong for wanting that, wishing for it. We all hope that we’ll be here for the rest of our lives. It’s why we’re all here anyway, to make a future for us.”

Ezra smiled up at him, leaning faintly into his teacher’s hold. “And besides,” he said, “like you said, we’ll see her again. And even if she isn’t here physically, she is _with_ us. She always will be.”

With a gentle push to his shoulder, both Ezra and Kanan started to laugh. Just a little, just shortly. Just a reminder that even though things were changing constantly that they were both here. Both together.

“You’re lucky she isn’t here,” Kanan said once they quieted down. “If she heard you talking like this she’d never let you hear the end of it.”

“Well, don’t tell her I said anything,” Ezra countered, his laughter coming back. He pushed against Kanan’s hand. 

“Hmmm,” Kanan hummed, a smirk spreading across his face. The corner of his eyes crinkled underneath his scar, crow’s feet Ezra had never really noticed before showing up. “I’ll have to think about that. I’ve never really had blackmail on you before, this could be kind of fun for me.”

“Yeah, don’t get any ideas. That’s not going to work with me. I’ve got tons of things I’ve never told Hera before that I’m sure she’d love to know about,” Ezra said. 

“Oh, yeah?”

Ezra smirked this time, beginning his list: “Well, there’s all the mishaps from training when you told me not to tell Hera how bad it went because someone made a mistake. And not to mention every time when Cham left after visiting us, or we’d visit him. I have so much I can tell Hera about that with how weirdly strung up you’d get. Plus, there’s always—”

“All right, all right! I yield!” Kanan laughed, giving another playful shove.

“I’m just saying.”

Kanan shook his head and took a drink from his caf. Ezra had forgotten the drink was even there. His datapad was still on the table, also just as forgotten. “I think Hera mentioned that Sabine is going to check in with us later this week. I’ll try to convince her to let the two of you have time to talk afterward.”

“Thanks, Kanan.”

Leaning forwards so he could rest an elbow against the table and his head in his hand, Ezra turned his datapad on again. He felt Kanan shift next to him, also getting more comfortable as he continued to work on his caf. Ezra skimmed the report he had tried twice this afternoon to read, trying to find his place again. His heart felt lighter. He probably could make quick work now.

⬥⬥⬥

The week had been busier than Ezra had anticipated. Which was stupid, really, when he thought about it. He knew how hard the base was working to prep for Lothal’s liberation; Hera had tried to tell him that much a week ago. But after everything that had happened, a small part of him was surprised by the fast pace all around him. It was taking all of his concentration to keep up. It was his own doing, he knew that. That didn’t make it any easier.

It also didn’t help that he had spent the week debating with himself what he was going to tell Kanan. 

His return to Atollon, to Chopper Base, to his family from Tatooine had put everything in perspective. But it was making this final decision about the whole matter a lot harder. When he got back, his initial thought was that he didn’t need to, that he couldn’t, tell them anything that had happened between him, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Maul even if he wanted to. Wanted to tell Kanan. Then the days kept passing by and the desire didn’t go away. It didn’t seem like it was going to, either.

Ezra walked onto the _Ghost_ , Chopper following him up. They had been helping AP-5 with some ridiculous inventory job, the one that no one else really wanted to do (and he reluctantly agreed to do because he felt like he still owed everyone for running off). The whole time they had been working his mind had been elsewhere, which caused AP-5 to go on and on and _on_ about what an inefficient job he was doing. When they were finally released from the work that took three hours instead of the maximum two they were promised, Ezra hurried back to the ship. Chopper hurried, too, though he was pretty sure the droid was just trying to hide to get out of more work.

Hera and Zeb had been at a briefing for a recon mission a handful of pilots were going to be on (Kanan had been elsewhere during this, still not partaking in briefings that didn’t concern their team directly), though they’d probably be back on the ship by now; no way their task took longer than his. Ezra wasn’t sure on the details of the mission, he’d have to ask Hera about it. Later. Right now he had to do something else. 

He and Chopper made their way through the ship’s corridors. Ezra let Chopper head into the common room before him, knowing the droid most definitely wanted to start complaining about how unfair it was to shove him with AP-5 all the time. Ezra smiled as he followed him into the room, it was always entertaining when Chopper made his own life more difficult. 

“You’re both finished?” Hera asked, twisting around in her seat. She was sitting at the round table, Kanan across from her and Zeb in the large wooden chair next to them. She was smiling almost sympathetically. 

“Yeah, though Ehpee kept us a lot longer than promised,” Ezra said.

Chopper immediately began his grumbled complaints to Hera, going on about his treatment. Hera rolled her eyes and patted her droid on the top of his dome. “Yes, Chop, I’ll try and get him to show some restraint next time.” 

Seemingly content—for now—with that answer, Chopper rolled past her to settle next to Zeb, which earned him a suspicious look from the Lasat. Though it seemed like there was no attack planned, Ezra thought the look was justified.

“What are you up to now, Ezra?” Hera asked, drawing his attention away from the inevitable trouble.

“Hm?”

“She’s asking you what you’re doing,” Zeb chimed in, moving his own attention away from the droid. He was snickering, as if something funny had happened. Three years in and Zeb’s sense of humour was still confusing and annoying.

Ezra glared over at him before looking back at Hera. She was just sitting at the table, smiling up at him. Kanan had turned his head, the painted on eyes on his mask giving the appearance of looking over at him, too. “I didn’t have anything planned,” he answered, taking a step closer to the group. Now that he was in here, he was starting to panic. Only a little, it wouldn’t be noticeable to anyone. He just wasn’t sure if he wanted to make his request in front of everyone. 

“Ezra?” It was Kanan. Of course it was. There might not be visible panic showing up that Hera or Zeb could pickup on but Kanan couldn’t use that, anyway. He would know by other means that something was up, even if it was tiny. 

Hera glanced over at Kanan and then turned all the way around to face Ezra. Her eyebrows were coming together, concern spreading across her face. Zeb at least had the decency to not really pick up on the fact that there might be something sort of out of place.

At the moment, there was nothing more that Ezra wanted to do than to say he was going to go work on his lightsaber or that maybe he’d see if he could convince Wedge to take him flying for some practice. Anything to avoid what was making its way to the surface. 

But there wasn’t any avoiding it. Not when this is what he wanted. It didn’t make it easier, but that fact at least gave him the courage to ask. He turned to face Kanan, only Kanan, and asked, “Can we talk? Somewhere?” 

Kanan nodded and slid out from the booth. Hera’s eyes darted to him and she made to stand up but a gentle hand on her shoulder kept her in her seat. “We’ll be back,” Kanan said. He smiled down at her before gesturing for Ezra to lead the way out. 

He had no idea where they were going. Neither of them had grabbed a sensor, though neither of them ever needed one anymore. Ezra started walking in a random direction when he left the _Ghost_ and just kept going as they made their way off the base. Kanan didn’t question him, only following behind him quietly. 

They walked until the sounds of the base were entirely muted by the sounds of Atollon. The occasional krykna would pass by, the second of each pair they generally moved in close enough even if it wasn’t visible, to inspect the Jedi duo but none ever came near. At one point, a group of dokma scuttled across the path cutting them off. Ezra stumbled back but was saved from falling when Kanan placed a hand on his back, steadying him. 

They ended up at a clearing; not as big as where The Bendu resided, but big enough for the two of them to sit down comfortably on the rocks scattered around the area without being right on top of each other. Kanan sat down while Ezra began to pace. 

Now that he had Kanan alone, away from the distractions of the base and any ears that definitely could _not_ hear what he was going to say, Ezra didn’t know where to start. Didn’t know what he could actually say, even to Kanan. 

On some level—on a lot of levels—he knew he really shouldn’t tell Kanan any of this. But, this was Kanan, his teacher. Kanan was who he turned to when anything happened: good, bad, or just plain confusing. Kanan was who he turned to to understand the Force. Why did this time have to be different? He wouldn’t say everything, nothing about Master Kenobi clearly needing to be on Tatooine for whatever reason it was. He wasn’t even considering going into that. But didn’t Kanan deserve to know that Master Kenobi was alive? Kanan has known him, he had been a student of the Jedi Master, grew up under Master Kenobi’s guidance. 

“Ezra,” Kanan said, his calm voice cutting through the jumble of thoughts. Ezra stopped his pacing around the clearing and looked over. Kanan had taken of his mask, all the concern on his face now visible. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to figure out where to start,” Ezra replied, trying to sound reassuring, as if this wasn’t nearly as huge as it really was.

“If you can’t tell me, don’t tell me. I assume this is about Tatooine?”

Ezra stared at his teacher, words failing him. Kanan didn’t understand, that much was clear. He needed to tell him this, it wasn’t a matter of could or couldn’t, want or don’t want. 

“It wasn’t me,” he blurted out. He immediately winced, realizing that made no sense at all. Kanan didn’t say anything, though, waiting for him to figure out how to get all of this out. As patient as ever, more patient than he deserved half the time. “Kanan, I wasn’t the one who killed Maul.”

“I know,” was all the response was. Ezra gaped. How? How could he have known? Kanan sighed. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up and walked over to him. “Ezra, whatever happened, it happened to you. Only to you. I wasn’t there because I wasn’t meant to be.”

“But, Kanan…” 

“Stop. If I was meant to know all the details, have confirmations for what I might suspect and assume, I would have been there with you. I wasn’t,” Kanan said, placing his hands on Ezra’s shoulders. “That was your journey for you to take. You went and you came back, that’s what matters. Okay?”

Ezra stared up at him. Was it okay? Ezra knew that he was finally back on the path he was meant to be on, the right one (or as close to it as he could be). Meeting Master Kenobi had steered him back in the right direction. But if Kanan knew, or at least suspected, what had happened, how could he be so at ease with not knowing for sure? Was it really okay for him to just never know?

“Okay, Ezra?”

“Okay.”

His shoulders slumped forwards under Kanan’s hands and he let out a shaky breath. This was for the best, he had known that going into this conversation, he knew it now. But the unsteadiness and anxiousness he had been feeling all day was still clinging to him. Hearing that he had been right hadn’t helped. 

“I’m getting the feeling that it’s not what happened on Tatooine that’s bothering you, is it?

Pulling away from his hold, Ezra made his way over to a rock near the one Kanan had started on. He dropped down onto it, bring his hands up to his face. Breathing in deeply and letting the breath out, not as steady as he would have liked, Ezra shook his head. 

“What is it then?”

“I was so lost. This past year… Everything with Maul, everything that happened to you, to Ahsoka, it tore me away from what mattered. I couldn’t see it because I wasn’t letting myself. I was so sure that I could fix everything because I thought I had caused it. It took going to Tatooine to see just how wrong I was. It took almost dying,” Ezra said. Once he started it was impossible to stop. Everything that he had been through this past year finally made sense to him, it finally clicked on Tatooine, but now getting to say it all to Kanan felt like he was truly purging it from himself. The last of the bile that had clung inside him finally leaving. “How do we know, Kanan?”

“Know what?” Kanan asked, sitting back down. 

Kanan’s mask was at his feet; it must have gotten left on the ground when he had gotten up. Ezra reached over and picked the metal piece up off the ground. He traced the jaig eyes with a finger before handing it over. “What the right path is. Why is it so hard to see if we’re on it? How are we supposed to know that we are when we are?”

Kanan turned his mask over in his hands, pondering the question. He smiled weakly and turned his head towards Ezra. “We trust in the Force.”

Ezra let out a breathy laugh. “I almost lost my way, I almost lost all of you. Because I wasn’t, because I had to take it into my own hands.”

“You know, you’re stronger than me, Ezra,” Kanan said. He tilted his head downward, his mask still turning over and over in his hands. “You found your way back much faster than I ever have.”

“What? Kanan, that can’t be true.”

“It is.” The mask stopped turning. Kanan placed it down in his lap. Ezra waited. Kanan would elaborate if he felt the need to, and even though in the past he rarely would, Ezra could tell that this time was different. Something had changed between them, an indescribable shift had taken place. Suddenly there weren’t any closed doors between them; all the ones that had been there, old and new, opened up. Ezra readjusted on his rock, listening. “I’ve never been as naturally adaptable as you are. Never as willing to adapt. Losing my sight, joining the wider rebellion, even taking you on. These changes kept trying to prove to be too much and I wouldn’t always rise to meet them. Not as quickly as I should have.

“And before you, when I had lost everything, I wasn’t the person I was meant to be. I had turned my back on everything I had known. I didn’t just lose my way, I threw it away. It took me years to get back to it.”

“That doesn’t make you weak,” Ezra said, leaning forwards. He meant to say more but Kanan held up a hand. Ezra then realized that this whole time Kanan’s smile, as small as it was, never wavered. 

“It doesn’t make you weak, either. I’m not saying this for your pity, I’m telling you that we both have struggled to find this path. We have, time and time again, chosen to follow this path. You keep choosing this path, because it is the one you’re meant to be on. It won’t always be easy, you aren’t always going to know what the right path is, for you or for others. But you have always been able to let yourself be guided towards it, more than I have been. It took years for me to let Hera guide me in the right direction and it wasn’t until I met you that I let myself take the final steps towards it,” Kanan said. “We both need help, and we both have to be strong enough to accept that help. And we have been.”

Ezra smiled. He sat further back on his rock, kicking a pebble away from himself. “We’ve had some good help,” he said quietly. He peered up at Kanan and found his teacher’s smile had grown. 

“Yeah, we have.”

“I guess we should head back to the base now,” Ezra said. Kanan nodded, putting his mask back on. Ezra stood up first and reached a hand out so Kanan could steady himself as he stood. 

They walked side by side on their way back, their conversation aimless. The occasional krykna—its partner not too far off—wandered by, curious as to why these two were wandering around Atollon’s landscape. Ezra laughed when a trio of dokma ran out in front of them. The sounds of the base reached their ears before Ezra could see it. Once it was in view, his smile widened.

⬥⬥⬥

“Woah!”

“You okay up there?” Kanan called up. 

Ezra glanced down, wincing slightly as snow and pebbles just missed Kanan’s face, before shouting back, “Yeah, my hand just slipped.” Kanan was a few feet below him as they made their climb. Ezra looked at where he had tried to place his hand and grimaced. A large hunk of rock had come out of the mountainside. Somehow it hadn’t hit Kanan on its fall down. But that’s why they were here climbing this mountain; they were Jedi, they were the only ones who would be able to manage it. 

The mission itself, in theory, was a straightforward one. Get to a remote village, grab some intel from an ex-Imperial who had snuck away there, and head back to Yavin. It was the practice that made it so dangerous. 

Mon Mothma had been wary about assigning this mission, not wanting to risk the Rebellion’s only Jedi on it. But whatever this intel was seemed to be important enough. And if Ezra was being honest, getting away from the base was something he really needed. The weeks and weeks of no word of helping Lothal (and what was starting to feel like no word of Lothal at all) were starting to grate him. A day away from the base and the other rebels was what he needed.

But now climbing this snow covered mountain, it didn’t seem all that great. The intel couldn’t be in a safer spot. Well over a thousand meters in the air, the village at near the top was only reachable on foot (or, rather, hand and foot). Ships, even light freighters like the _Ghost_ , were too big to land anywhere but shuttles were too small to handle the strong winds at the top of the mountain. Jumping from the _Ghost_ to the village would end just as badly, even with all the abilities the Force gave them. So you had to climb to get there. Imperials wouldn’t be willing to try, though Ezra wondered if they even knew this place existed. It was so small and seemingly insignificant, so easy to ignore. 

Plus, it was cold, even with how much they were exerting themselves in the climb.

They had been climbing for a good portion of the day. Sabine, flying the _Phantom II_ , had take them as high up as the shuttle could handle. From there they had been making their ascent. 

“Sabine is so lucky. She gets to just sit around in _Phantom II_ , where it’s warm and where she isn’t hanging onto a mountain so she doesn’t plummet to her death,” Ezra muttered under his breath. He reached overhead and grabbed hold of what turned out to be a ledge large enough to sit on. Perfect, it had been over an hour since they had been able to take a break. He was getting tired. “Hey, Kanan, there’s a ledge here, about fifteen feet above you, it’s big enough for us to both sit.”

“Great,” Kanan called back, his voice sounding a little strained. 

After brushing of the snow that had piled up, Ezra pulled himself fully onto the ledge and then scooted over so that there was room for Kanan. He grabbed his water canteen attached to his belt and took a long drink. At least that was getting lighter, though he hoped they’d be at the village before they ran out of water. Or before it froze.

“Next time Senator Mothma suggests a Jedi only mission, let’s refuse,” Ezra said as Kanan’s head popped over the ledge.

“If,” Kanan responded, climbing up next to him and sitting down, “I’m remembering correctly, you were the one who eagerly accepted this mission.”

“Yeah, but you were the one that insisted we should both go,” Ezra said. He took a final drink of water before screwing the cap back on. “She did say only one of us needed to do this.”

Kanan shrugged and drank from his own canteen. Ezra waited but soon realized he wasn’t going to get a response. Not a verbal one, at least. He had the feeling his teacher might also be avoiding the rebel base. Or maybe, and perhaps more likely, a specific rebel as well; he didn’t know why but Ezra was occasionally picking up on tension floating between Kanan and Hera. Apparently both master and apprentice needed a break today. 

“Five more minutes and then we start up again?” Ezra asked when Kanan closed up his canteen. 

“You’re in charge.”

Nodding, Ezra stared out in front of him. This planet, Vandor, was beautiful. It wasn’t until Ezra had left Lothal that he had ever seen this much snow in one place, though to be fair, he hadn’t seen anything that galaxy had to offer until he had left his home world. Looking out at what felt like an ocean of snow covered peaks, a small part of him wanted to stay and explore, to understand how this world functioned. Kanan had mentioned that before the Clone Wars, Jedi could do just that: find a planet and learn. Maybe after Lothal was free and the rebellion won he and Kanan could give that a shot for a bit. 

“Ready?” Kanan asked. He stood up and stretched his arms out in front of him. He then brushed snow off of his pants, thicker than normal to fight off the cold, and turned to face the mountainside. 

“Sure,” Ezra answered, following suit. He was in warmer clothing as well, and while he was sweating and hot because of the climbing, he knew he’d be grateful to have the layers once they finally go to the village. And now that he was thinking about the village… Ezra pulled out a small holoprojector and turned it on. An image of the mountain they climbing appeared, the translucent blue against the backdrop of white and blue from the world around them was making it difficult to see what he needed. The map of their climb was marked, dots showing every two hundred meters marks on it. They were close, very close. “We could probably reach the village without taking another break, we’ve got less than an hour’s climb left.”

“Lead the way.”

The last stretch up their climb was hard. Ezra couldn’t let his mind wander at all. The climb became somehow even steeper—hadn’t they already been climbing a vertical surface? The mountain’s surface also felt far more unstable, he needed to be sure of every single hand hold he grabbed. Kanan had taught him all kinds of amazing things in the past few years but there was definitely nothing under his belt that would help him survive a fall from this high up above the planet’s surface. 

What surprised Ezra about the climb, however, was the sense of calm that was flowing through him. He had taken this mission to get away from the base and the frustration he felt there. Here on the mountain, his focus on the next rock just in reach, all of that was left behind. His mind was at ease, or as close to that, for the first time in weeks. Meditation wasn’t working, not like it should have been. And even though he had joked that Kanan hadn’t needed to come along, Ezra wasn’t going to lie and say he wasn’t happy to have him here. It had been too long since just the two of them had gotten to do a mission together, something simple and well within their means and, what felt like the most important part, immediate. They were here, working together and more in sync than they had been for far too long, and they were going to just get this job done. 

Ezra missed how simple things used to be for them. 

It was undignified, he knew that, but once they crested the cliff’s edge that revealed the village _finally_ , Ezra collapsed on the ground, snow biting against what exposed skin was sinking into the white. “Okay, no more climbing. I’m done with climbing,” he gasped, trying to find his breath. His chest was heaving. A grunt made him lift his head up as Kanan pulled himself over the edge. He had a bit more dignity to not just flop down into the snow. “This intel better be worth it.”

“Hera and Mothma claim it is, which is why we’re here,” Kanan said, though Ezra could hear it in his voice that the same thought crossed his mind. It was easy from everyone at the base to say this mission was going to be worth it, they weren’t the ones climbing half a mountain to get it done. 

“Greetings! You must be the Jedi we were told about,” a voice called from behind. They both turned to look, seeing a man dressed in furs and looking far too at ease living on top of this death trap. “You got here sooner than we expected.”

“We try to impress,” Ezra said. He sat up, brushing snow out of his hair. He stood up in time with Kanan and grinned over at the villager. “That sure is some climb up here.”

“As it should be. Come, I’ll get you that intel and some food before you leave to make your way back to your rebels.” The man’s voice was kind and welcoming but Ezra could hear what was being said underneath: don’t stay here too long, be on your way. 

“I’ll get it,” Ezra muttered to Kanan and followed after the man. It didn’t take that long to grab the intel, even if they got there “early”. The village seemed eager to be rid of the information, which was understandable. No need to invite the Empire to your home if you’re not of interest to them. He was also handed two large bowls, filled with some sort of stew. He was comfortable admitting to himself that this was way more exciting than the intel for the Rebellion. 

He carefully carried the two bowls out from all the huts that comprised this small mountain top village. Kanan was roughly where he had left him, standing near the edge of the cliff, his back turned to the village. Ezra paused for a moment, watching his teacher. A year ago, they wouldn’t have been here together. A year ago, Kanan wouldn’t be standing comfortably, confidently, at the top of a mountain. A year ago, they didn’t have the ease they have now.

“It’s stew,” Ezra said, stepping up next to him. Kanan muttered his thanks as he took the bowl. They stood together, quietly eating the food they have been given (it was meatier than he had expected, Ezra had never had stew like this one before, and he wondered what else could be in it, and what animal it was—it kind of tasted like nerf). 

Kanan turned his head. “Do you feel it?”

Chewing and swallowing the mouthful of stew in his mouth, Ezra glanced up at him before looking back out. All round them were mountains; most of them the same height or smaller than the one they were on, though a handful nearby were somehow close to double in height. The wind howled passed them but with the cliff and how it had been shaped over the millenniums of erosion, none of the wind reached the village. Swirls of snow flew through the air, almost dancing around and shimmering in the sunlight. Below them, though hundreds and hundreds of meters down, life was finding a way to live and thrive on this mountainous and snow covered world.

“Yes. Even this high up, I can feel it,” Ezra answered. 

“The Force, it doesn’t matter how far we try to run or climb, it’s always there. We’ll alway be connected to it. And through it, to each other. We’ll always be able to find each other through it; the distance won’t matter. Us, our family, we’re connected,” Kanan said. He placed on hand on Ezra’s shoulder, turning to face outward again. “Even this high up, the Force is with us.”

Ezra smiled and continued to stare out at the world in front of them. His breath left in small clouds, joining with everything. He took another spoonful of the stew, the feeling of warmth from it still present though fading now in the cold. 

With a sigh, he stretched his arms out in front of him. They were sore, the climb finally catching up to him now that he had a moment to be still. “The climb down is going to be worse, isn’t it?”

“My advice: don’t look down,” Kanan said. He took the bowl from Ezra’s outstretched arms and stacked in on top of his own. “It definitely helped me with the climb up.”

“Oh, thank you, Kanan. That’s great advice,” Ezra replied, rolling his eyes. 

“Don’t worry, padawan, we have an easier path for the way down,” Kanan said. He turned and started for the village. Ezra jogged lightly to catch up and fall in step with his teacher. “While you were getting the intel, one of the villagers told me about the path they use to come and go from the village. I’ve already radioed Sabine where to meet us.”

“Oh.”

“Though, you’re welcome to attempt the climb down. I think it would impress the villagers.” Kanan grinned—no, smirked—down at him.

“You’re welcome to…” Ezra muttered, shoving against Kanan, who just started to laugh.

It was much easier, the secret path down. And they were actually able to have a conversation as they walked, and occasionally still climbed, that wasn’t just a warning about falling rocks. 

Sabine met them roughly halfway down the mountain. After jumping on board the _Phantom II_ , the group soared away from the mountain and the world it would always be connected to.

⬥⬥⬥

A warm breeze, one meant for calm summer days and a time now lost when one could just be with those they loved, rolled over the fields stretching out in front of him. It was nice. Nicer than he thought was possible anymore. Lothal, his home, had been burned so far past recognition (and yet, he’d always recognize it). It didn’t seem right, this warmth spreading around him in a comforting way when half the world was burning. He didn’t deserve this comfort, not after having abandoned his world for too long.

Ezra opened his eyes. Lothal’s golden green fields spread out around him and their still new base. Though now in the moonlight, not yet hidden away from the smoke and fire like in the north of the planet, the fields looked more like silver. Off in the distance he could just make out some grass rustling, the sound of it just reaching his ears. A loth-cat, no doubt, searching for its next meal. Or, maybe, a pair of them playing. Or…

He sighed and let his legs sprawl out in front of him, giving up on the meditation he had been try to do. There was just no clearing his mind, not right now. He had already tired to go to sleep but when he couldn’t shut his brain off he decided that maybe meditation would help. But it wasn’t, and hadn’t been in general lately. Things were just getting to be too hard to understand, too hard to sort out. Sitting here at the edge of their base, the small rock plateau below him, nothing felt clear at all.

There was just too much to lose.

Too much he wasn’t willing to lose.

“How long have you been there?” he asked, turning slightly. Looking over his shoulder, he found Kanan standing there, arms crossed, his mask was off and nowhere to been seen (Kanan went most days now without putting it on).

“I just got here,” Kanan answered. He walked the rest of the way over, standing out towards the fields around them. His eyes were open, the off white irises blankly staring off. “Can’t sleep, I take it.”

“No,” Ezra said. He leaned back against his hands. It hadn’t been a question; Ezra had been having trouble sleeping before they had even gotten to Lothal with all the visions he’d been plagued with begging him to return. A small part of him thought that one he had gotten here, sleep would be easier to find. But now it wasn’t visions that kept him up. “I thought I’d come and meditate.”

Kanan nodded, offering a small smile as he did so, and then knelt down next to him. “Good idea.”

And then they sat together. The breeze rolled around them, still warm. Ezra brought up his knees and leaned against them now, arms resting on them with his chin on top. He blinked a few times, trying to see if the grass was moving again in the distance because of the wind or because of unseen animals. Probably just a couple of loth-cats.

“What’s bothering you?” Kanan asked after a few minutes past. Had he been waiting for Ezra to start? It was possible, but Ezra had no idea what to start with. He hadn’t managed to get his thoughts anywhere close to organized.

So, he blinked again. He didn’t raise his head up when he finally answered. “I think I’m nervous about tomorrow, about the attack on the factory. So much could go wrong.”

“That’s nothing new, though. There has always been things that can go wrong with our plans,” Kanan pointed out. He shifted, moving to sit cross-legged instead of kneeling.

“That doesn’t really change that I’m nervous now,” Ezra said. “I know it’s a good plan, and I believe we can pull it off.”

“But…”

“ _But_ something doesn’t feel right,” Ezra continued, his words felt heavy in his mouth though once he started it wasn’t hard to let them all fall out at once. He didn’t have to keep them in, not anymore. Not after everything they’d been through. “Lothal is dying and I don’t know how to help it. Will taking out the factory be enough? What if we don’t manage to succeed, will we have another chance? Kanan, Lothal feels doomed every time I sit and connect to it. It’s suffering too much.”

“None of that is new, we felt that when we first got here.”

“That’s all we felt, though. Now there are more pieces and none of it is making any sense. The wolves, the message for us in the cave, I don’t understand. I keep trying to figure it out, but nothing is falling into place. There’s just too many pieces at play here. If, if we hadn’t had the wolves around maybe I’d feel better. I just don’t understand what part they have to play, why they’re helping us. Or why they’re just getting us where they want us to be.”

Kanan didn’t say anything this time, no attempt at advising. He waited for Ezra to continue, as if to let all the stress and worries pour out. No more gentle prodding, no more leading questions; it wasn’t necessary anymore. He was just going to let him talk.

“Are we doing the right thing? What if Mon Mothma is right, and trying to save one planet isn’t the right course of action? Or, what if Saw is right? I want to believe, I _have_ to believe that trying to save Lothal is the right thing. That this isn’t selfish. We were called back here, weren’t we? We were meant to come here, but why doesn’t it feel like things are going to work?”

Ezra turned to look at Kanan and asked, “Are we missing something? Some bigger picture we can’t see yet? Am I choosing to ignore it just so I can focus on my home instead of the wider galaxy?”  


Lifting his hand to his chin, Kanan turned his head down. A pose that Ezra had seen countless numbers of times, but this time it wasn’t bringing comfort. Whatever the answer was going to be, it wasn’t going to solve anything, not really.

“I don’t believe you’re being selfish, that’s just not in you. Stopping the TIE Defender program isn’t just going to benefit Lothal, it will help the entire galaxy. If we can stop it, everyone will benefit. I understand your desire to help everyone you can, and this will. Just because it’s benefiting somewhere special to you first doesn’t mean you’re selfish,” Kanan said. He flashed a smile towards him before a frowned settled on to his safe. His hand dropped into his lap. “But, I share your worries. Even with everything we’ve seen at play here, it feels like something is missing. I can’t say it’s comfortable not knowing what’s to come.”

“Which is why I’m out here trying to meditate,” Ezra said. He reached over and lightly bumped his fist against Kanan’s shoulder. “You should try it, sometime. I have been told it’s useful.”

“Oh, someone very good at their job must have passed that wisdom down to you, huh?” Kanan asked, chuckling.

“Yeah, something like that.” Ezra grinned before resting his chin against his arm again.

A breeze—though maybe this time stronger than a breeze—rushed passed them and around them. Ezra shivered; it was getting colder now, and the wind wasn’t helping. It was carried a chill with it now, uninviting. It moved right through his clothes, reminiscent of the days he lived with little to protect him. He tightened his grip on himself, trying to keep the wind from biting against his skin.

Tomorrow night they were going to attack. Hera was going to lead the rebel pilots in an aerial strike while they on the ground ensured that she could do just that. It was a good plan, reckless and a little rushed as their plans always where, sure. But it was a good plan. It could work. It needed to work. Ezra had faith that they would destroy the TIE Defender factory, put an end to all that destruction and evil the Empire wanted to put out into the galaxy.

They just needed to get through tomorrow and the galaxy was going to be better for it.

He sighed. “I want to protect Lothal. It’s my home,” he said, readjusting, letting his legs drop down. “Even when we had to stay away those years, it never stopped feeling like my home. I believe we can save it, help it heal. That we can live here again. I want to help my planet but I just don’t understand how. That feeling that there’s something more to what’s going on here than just the factory won’t go away. And, every time I try and meditate on it, to try and see what could possibly be coming, it’s clouded. I feel like the Force is hiding something from us, something we’re not ready for. I don’t know what this all means.”

“Be mindful of these worries, Ezra. I share them and there’s nothing wrong with us having them, in the end we are just people, but don’t let them consume you. We’ll figure this out,” Kanan said.

“That’s a lot easier said than done.”

“Trust me, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that,” Kanan chuckled. He kicked his legs out in front of him, mimicking Ezra’s pose. “We trust in the Force, Ezra. We trust that when the time is right, when we’re ready to know, that it will show us the right path. All we can do is be ready for it once it’s revealed to us.”

Ezra stared off into the field. Normally golden green—now silver—grass was being whipped around in the wind that had picked up even more. A gust blew over them, sending a shiver through whole his body. The nights could get so cold on Lothal, something he was more than used to. At least in theory. He hugged himself slightly, waiting for the wind to die down.  


When it finished, and the grass was moving more gently again, Ezra asked, “And what if I’m not ready for it?”

Ezra turned his head to face Kanan when a hand dropped onto his shoulder. They made eye contact, as if Kanan was ignoring the fact that his eyes didn’t work anymore. And then Kanan simply said, “Then I know you’ll be brave enough to do it anyway.”

It wasn’t until later, after he and Kanan had both given up on the idea of meditating, willing to try rest instead, and left the rock plateau for the base—to the caves and lost messages for them—when he finally was drifting off to sleep, when his mind was finally starting to clear up if only a little, that Ezra realized the wind had stopped moving across the field. It had stopped before they left, when they had more or less accepted the confusion the Force was offering them. It had stopped blowing when they accepted that there was nothing they could do but move forwards. Like Lothal was now holding its breath, waiting for what was to come. To see what the two of them could possibly make happen that would save it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

⬦⬦⬦

 

 

 

 

 

 

“And remember—the Force will be with you, always.”

He’s scared. It’s been awhile since he felt truly alone. Though, the past couple of weeks were lonely. More than lonely. The planning, the hiding, the secrets, the wishing that things would turn out differently while every step forward confirmed it wasn’t going to be. It’s just that now he knows that he really is alone. There isn’t even an annoying droid to confide in. It’s just him. Him and Thrawn. (And thousands upon thousands of other Imperials, but he can’t worry about that now, not on top of everything.)

It’s too bright all throughout the bridge; he can’t see his own hand stretched out in front of him, keeping Thrawn trapped in place, trying to keep the air inside the Star Destroyer, telling the purrgil to get them out of here before it’s too late. It’s too bright and he’s too tired and he’s scared.

He wasn’t ready for this choice. He still isn’t ready. The weeks leading up to this felt like no time had passed at all. It’s hard to not think that this is unfair. Because, isn’t it? After everything that was taken away from him, it is unfair that in the end even more is taken. He isn’t ready to be alone. He doesn’t want to be alone again.

Ezra winces, flexing his hand even though he still can’t see it. His arm is aching; his shoulder feels like it’s on fire. It’s hard not to focus on the pain coursing through him. He can’t really afford to waste any attention of it, not if he wants to survive this. He can’t allow the panic rising up in him to bubble over. He needs to stay focused on what’s happening around him. Afterward, if there is an afterward, he can deal with his pain and his fears.

But then a thought flares up his mind. Was Kanan scared? He didn’t seem scared that night, but now that Ezra is thinking about it, Kanan didn’t seem okay. Confident, sure, and focused. But something was off that night with him but no one said anything, no one asked. They all just assumed it was because of Hera. They’d all been feeling her short absence. Kanan didn’t hesitate that night. Up on the fuel pod, when everything in a split second was about to be destroyed, nothing stopped him. He ran out and sacrificed everything to ensure they lived. Kanan recognized that there was no other option and accepted it. But had he been scared like Ezra is now?

He must have been scared. Must have had regrets. Ezra has them now, more regrets than he could possibly list. But that didn’t stop him. He didn’t hesitate either. The moment the ball started to roll, the moment he had to sacrifice himself and his life with his family, he didn’t even think twice. It’s only now that the pain of that decision is catching up with him.

This is what it means to be a Jedi, isn’t it? Accepting the right path. Personal wants and needs are set aside. Because it’ll be worth it. And he hopes it will be. He realizes that there’s a chance he’ll never come home, a chance that despite his best efforts Lothal isn’t freed, a chance that the Empire might win this war. But he doesn’t believe that. He completely believes that even though he has lost everything again, he hasn’t. His family is alive and fighting, his planet will be free now and it’s going to stay that way. And one day, he will get home.

None of that makes it any easier to leave. Even after being shown all the possible paths to take, hiding what he was planning was almost impossible. All he wanted to do was confide in Sabine and tell her everything, not just a cryptic message that he’s counting on her to help him come home if everything works out. To let Zeb and Hera know that maybe things were going to get really bad again but it would be worth it in the end. That they were going to succeed even if the cost was so high. But he knew better. To let them know would have meant he’d never find the strength to go through with this. He struggled enough today when Hera begged him to stay. If it hadn’t been for Sabine and Chopper, understanding despite their own concerns, maybe he would have stayed. Stayed with his family and not be alone again.

His arm starts to waver, dropping down not even an inch, but noticeable enough. With all the strength he can muster, his groans and lifts it back up to where it needs to be. He’s tired. He’s tired and he’s alone and he’s scared. He doesn’t think he can keep this up much longer, it’s slowly feeling more and more impossible to keep everything around him together, but he has to. He has to if he wants to survive. If he wants to return home. If he wants to see his family again. A family he didn’t get enough time with. 

_Why isn’t Kanan here?_ Why did that end, after only four years? Why did the galaxy bring them together, as though they were destined to meet, only to rip them apart all too soon? It isn’t fair! It isn’t fair that time after time things keep getting taken from him. Kanan should be here, to guide him and lift him up like he always did, be here at his side. The two of them, both with arms outstretched, working together to free Lothal. It should be both of them. It was always the both of them before, why is now different? Why does he have alone this time?

He doesn’t want to be alone.

But then he breathes in, letting the air in and out of his lungs, and feels the panic start to dissolve.

He isn’t alone. Not really. And he never will be.

_“The Jedi teach that life doesn’t cease at death, it merely changes form in the Force. Your parents are alive inside you, Ezra. And they will be, always.”_

Kanan is with him. He always has been, and he continues to be so even after he died. Even now, Kanan is still with him. Ezra will carry Kanan with him for his whole life. Through the lessons Kanan taught, through the moments that they shared, through the love they let grow and carried inside themselves. Through the love that he still carries with him now: the love of their family. Though they might not be with them, and even though Kanan never will be again, they will always have this love with them as well. The bond that they had all created and nurtured for the past four years can’t be broken merely by distance. It can’t be destroyed, even in death.

Ezra might be alone, surrounded by enemies and barrelling towards a world he knows nothing about. He might be alone. But he has never been truly alone. His whole life has been filled with love. His parents, who risked everything to start the fire that will take the Empire down on Lothal, and helped start that fire that will take them down throughout the galaxy. Sabine, Zeb, and Chopper, who all gave him the joy and freedom to get to live with friends. Hera, who taught him how to fight and never lose hope, even in the darkest of times. She gave him a home when he was sure that he’d be alone for the rest of his life.

And Kanan. Kanan, who gave his life purpose. A purpose he never dreamed of having, couldn’t have even begun to imagine being possible. Kanan gave him this impossible life, one that should have been lost to the ages but survived through them. Kanan, who gave him a bond he thought he could never have again after everything he lost. Kanan, who was always there for him, is always there for him, no matter what. He guided him and taught him and helped him. Every day.

He’s tired. He’s tired and he’s scared and he’s alone amongst too many enemies. He doesn’t know where he’s going to end up. He’s in pain, more pain than he’s been in a long time. He’s had everything take from him by the Empire. He’s standing at the point where most people would have give up, allowing the weight of the galaxy to finally come crashing down on them.

Readjusting his arms, he takes a deep breath in, letting it flow out of him, and focuses.  


He can do this. He can get through this moment and then the next one and then the next. He’ll get through each moment until there aren’t anymore to get through. He’s going to make it through this. He’s going to find his way home one day, with the help he knows is coming from Sabine and others. He’s going to see his family again. See Lothal, and the whole galaxy, finally free. He’s going to carry Kanan’s legacy until the day he dies and becomes one with the Force, one with Kanan again. He can do this. He will do this.

His arm is outstretched in front of him, and though it is too bright to see anything, he can feel the Force flowing through it. He can feel the Force flowing through him. Flowing through everything, everyone. It’s binding the galaxy together. Connecting everything, no matter the distance. Even all the way out here, wherever that is, he feels it.

He’s not alone. He’s never been alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are finally! I’m so excited to be sharing this with all of you. I worked so hard on this fic. I started planning it out basically the moment I signed up, haha. The original idea that I had wanted to write ages ago was a short one shot of Ezra and Kanan training together after The Holocrons of Fate. But every time I thought about writing it my heart would ache. I needed a reason to basically force me to do it. So I applied for the zine but didn’t get in. Which, ultimately, was for the best because this is the result of that. While deciding what to do for the mini bang and if I’d sign up, I thought “Why not write a fic for Ezra and Kanan in the same style as my fic _through all the years_?” 
> 
> So here we are, with a long form fic that end up being a few good thousand words longer than I had planned. This got away from me but I’m not surprised considering how long it took me to be able to write something Ezra and Kanan centric. They’re relationship is my favourite in all of Star Wars, and given how it ended, I have a lot of thoughts and sadness about them. I think I’ve only scratched the surface of those with this fic. 
> 
> Anyway, now for thank yous. 
> 
> Thank you to my amazing and wonderful beta eschscholzia for really getting this fic to where it needed to be. It was a feat to edit and they rose to the challenge. I’m grateful for all the work they put into it. Thank you to my artist blueberrybridger (on tumblr) for the AMAZING art. They really out did themselves, I cried looking at it! Thank you to my new and good friend inconocible. Yelling about our mini bangs together honestly made me fell better about the whole thing. I’m glad you’re here with me in the “guys the minimum was 5K why did you write 25K+ why are you like this” camp. It’s nice not being alone here. Thank you to my friend Heather who had to deal with me for a good number of months and so many questions about this fic. Thank you for your suggestion on what extra season three scene to write, it became one of my favourites. Thank you to my friend Rose for letting me run away to your cottage so I could write the final 3 sections of this fic surrounded by nature and so squirrels could interrupt me while I was crying as I wrote the ending. And of course, thank you to swrebelsminibang for running the mini bang. I had a lot of fun. 
> 
> Finally, thank you to you guys for reading my 25,000 words about Ezra and his relationship with Kanan. We all knew how it would end even though we all hope for a different outcome. It was an amazing four years of that story. I hope I added to what we had been given in a way that strengthens the story and deepen your love for it. 
> 
> And, remember: 
> 
> The Force will be with you, always.
> 
> (I can't add links in properly for whatever reason, but here's the link to their art: https://blueberrybridger.tumblr.com/post/179094177093/my-peice-for-swrebelsminibang-collaborate)


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